Thank You Ah Chong(haha)

Sunday, July 18, 2004

kelly says my attention-span is v short...yeah i agree...maybe that explains why i'm such an idealist. i tink too much and talk too much..but seldom does it solidifies into somethin concrete. now i dun believe in myself anymore..
i still remember how i wanted to attend bible studies...but in the end i'm afraid of the commitment that comes with it...
and i still remember how convicted i was to study hard like mad for my dreams..but along the way i faltered and slacked...
i recalled how determined i was to make my relationship work out right..but in the end i was the first one to give it up..
i remembered how eager i was to hold on to my ideals and beliefs..but now..i must be one of the most skeptical person alive...
i remembered how strongly i wanted to stay sanguine..but i'm always easily dampened..
i've always wanted to fight a war...but can i do that at all?

i want to start somethin for the mizpah kids..i am eager to..but i'm afraid of my own stamina..i cannot go on for long without a righthand man..
but it seems..no one is as eager as i am to start something that threads on a long-term basis..

sometimes i do things without thinking far enough into the future..
i am so short-sighted sometimes it kills me as things progressed..
what if i cant juggle all those things i wana do along with my studies and tuition jobs? i still have CBLC..i cant neglect my duties in that..
in the end i always question myself..."what have i landed myself into?"
consequences..consequences...consequences...
when will i ever give that fella a worthwhile thought..
when will i ever understand myself better and give myself a break?
when will i learn to aim for the tree branches instead of the sky?
when will i learn to organize my thoughts so that i can be more focused?
when will i learn how to balance like a pro?

jack of all traits master of none
interest and passion i have everywhere but undone

cheers,
fairy killer


posted by BruisedAlmighty @ 2:37 AM
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1 Comments:
der Untermensch said...

Your grief fow what you've lost lifts a mirror
up to where you're bravely working.

Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,
here's the joyful face you've been wanting to see.

Your hand opens and closes and sopens and closes,
If it were a fist or always stretched open,
you would be paralyzed.

Your deepest presence is in every small contracting
and expanding,
the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated
as birdwings.

9:13 AM

The Lovers

Here's a promise to Huiling-- to share the fairy tales of Hans Christian Anderson w her(and everybody else since its HERE). Not a very nice tale to start with but i think it interesting anyhow...
Anyway, some of his tales are actually quite boring(maybe becos i've grown) and they actualy drove me to sleep!
So here it is, word for word, by Han Christian Anderson--- The Lovers.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A Whip-Top and a Ball were together in a drawer among some other toys; and the Top said to the Ball,
'Shall we not be bridegroom and bride, as we live together in the same box?'
But the Ball, which had a coat of morocco leather, and was just as conceited as any fine lady, would make no answer to such a proposal.

Next day the little boy came to whom the toys belonged: he painted the top red and yellow, and hammered a brass nail into it; and it looked splendid when the top turned round!
'Look at me!' he cried to the Ball. "What do you say now?Shall we not be engaged to each other? We suit one another so well! You jump and i dance! No one could be happier than we two should be.'

'Indeed? Do you think so?' replied the Ball. 'Perhaps you do not know that my papa and my mama were morocco slippers, and that i have a cork inside me!'
'Yes, but i am made of mahogany,' said the Top; 'and the mayor himself turned me. He has a turning-lathe of his own, and it amuses him greatly.'
'Can i depend upon that?' asked the Ball.
'May i never be whipped again if it is not true!' replied the Top.
'You can speak well for yourself,' observed the Ball, 'but i cannot grant your request. I am as good as engaged to a swallow: every time I leap up into the air it puts its head out of its nest and says, "will you?" And now i have silently said "Yes," and that is as good as half engaged; but i promise i will never forget you.'
'Yes, that will be much good!' said the Top.
And they spoke no more to each other.

Next day the Ball was taken out by the boy. The Top saw how it flew high into the air, like a bird; at last one could no longer see it. Each time it came back again, but gave a high leap when it touched the earth, and that was done either from its longing to mount up again, or because it had a cork in its body. But the ninth time the Ball remained absent, and did not come back again; and the boy sought and sought, but it was gone.

'I know very well where it is!' sighed the Top. ' It is in the swallow's nest, and has married the swallow!'
The more the Top thought of this, the more it longed for the Ball. Just because it could not get the Ball, its love increased; and the fact that the Ball had chosen another, formed a peculiar feature in the case. So the Top danced round and hummed, but always thought of the Ball, which became more and more beautiful in his fancy. thus several years went by, and now it was an old love.

And the Top was no longer young! But one day he was gilt all over; never had he looked so handsome; he was now a golden Top, and sprang till he hummed again. Yes, that was something worth seeing! But all at once he sprang too high, and-- he was gone!
They looked and looked, even in the cellar, but he was not to be found. Where could he be?
He had jumped into the dust-bin, where all kinds of things were lying: cabbage stalks, sweepings, and dust that had fallen down from the roof.
'Here's a nice place to lie in! The gilding will soon leave me here. Among what a rabble i have alighted!'
And then he looked sideways at a long leafless cabbage stump, and at a curious round thing that looked like an old apple; but it was not an apple-- it was an old Ball, which had lain for years in the gutter on the roof, and was quite saturated with water.
'Thank goodness, here comes one of us, with whom one can talk!' said the Ball, and looked at the gilt Top. ' I am real morocco, worked by maidens' hands, and have a cork within me; but no one would think it, to look at me. I was very nearly married to a swallow, but i fell into the gutter on the roof, and have lain there for full five years, and become quite wet through. You may believe me, that's a long time for a young girl.'

But the Top said nothing. He thought of his old love; and the more he heard, the clearer it became to him that this was she.
Then came the servant-girl, and wanted to turn out the dust-bin.
'Aha! there's the gilt top!' she cried.
And so the Top was brought again to notice and honour, but nothing was heard of the Ball. And the Top spoke no more of his old love; for that dies away when the beloved object has lain for five years in a roof-gutter and got wet through; yes, one does not know her again when one meets her in the dust-bin.

Things that haunt are good

I told bosy there was one night i dreamt of Sister Ang callin me and had an amicable conversation before the dream diffused into somthin else. What was uncanny was the significant moment of fear and apprehension upon seeing his name blinking on the ringing phone, which den magically vanished when the conversation started. It was like nothing before had happened! I can stil vividly recall the waking moment, when all was fresh and pleasant, but suddenly drenched in confusion and shock when i remembered what i had just dreamt of. What the heck was that for! Of all things why did i dream of him?!

NO. I am not in love with him, not even a little tinge of that. Nor was i preoccupied with thoughts of him for the past days. That is, i am not as sad as before by the disappointing friendship that has gone to waste. But indeed he has left his unmistakable footprints in this insignificant life of mine. And as everytime i reflect on such stuff, i can never escape seeing those marks, smelling them, sensing the repulsion and reluctance to accept him for he was. Just as like mariane. Now who says it is only those whom we want to be together with, that we ought to accept those flaws that they have? Doesnt anybody realise that even those whom we do not wish to bang shoulders with, also have to be respected with acceptance?

It is not that i have not "move on" with these people. It is that i cant accept them, which amounts to despise and disappointments. Then, wary as i am of my rightless soul to condemn anyone, i cannot help but feel sorry for myself. For I am trained not to hate anyone nor despise people. I am trained to love everyone with "gentleness and respect". But my body is structured as such by emotions, impulses, reflexive activities and all those things that could have made myself uncontrollable. So it is not my nature to just ignore something that had been beautiful before, unless....unless....i have decided that time and selfishness shall make me erase them.That, would be the saddest thing, the ultimate sin. For that would mean i do not even deem "you" as worthy of makin me angry, confuse, depress. Cease to exist. Nothing.

"Nothing" is not acceptance. Neither is it the opposite of acceptance.It has no respect at all like that of acceptance, and is definitely not an easy lazy way out of trouble. It is more like one type of end to troubles.And it is never easy to erase anyone who had left footprints, out of one's life.

So i can rank as follow (with 1 being the best and 5 being the worst):
1) bang shoulders; accepted flaws
2) bang shoulders; unaccepted flaws
3) no shoulder-banging; unaccepted flaws
4) no shoulder-banging; accepted flaws
5) GONE

So i guess that i can be at least glad that mariane is at number 3, while sister ang is tredging dangerously between 3 and 4. Which is to say that they still exist to haunt me, teach me, remind me, whatever. As i have chosen before, that as a true friend, i do not just discard mariane jus becos he is "bad". I still remains his listenin ear if he wants to. I shall be the laid back friend haha...reluctant to meet but MAY still...
And as for sister ang. I have accepted his flaws and i do not wish to bang shoulders with him whatsoever (i am ashamed).

Never has anyone been in number 5. Not that i can remember haha...cos if i do den number 5 is falsified. But i remember i made tis prayer and i wish to repeat it again...
"Even as i am bent on the discomfort inside my heart; my feelings not going in one smooth flow, i only pray for those whome i love and do not love. For the latter only in prayers, shall they be whom i love too.
Bless Mariane clarity; of virtue; truth; humility and i shall thank you ever more."

For i am human and may God forgive me. As i am reminded to repent, shall i repent beyond thy pride.
Amen.

Reference No. 20035476

Dear Madam,

I refer to your application for teaching position. I am pleased to inform you that you have been shortlisted for an interview.
Date:27/06/2005
Time:940AM

You are being considered for the PGDE(sec) programme and the tentative Curriculum Studies Subjects are as follows :-
Curriculum Studies 1: ENGLISH STUDIES
Curriculum Studies 2: MATHEMATICS

In order to establish your identity, please bring with you this letter as well as your identity card and come 15 minutes earlier for verification of documents.

Yours faithfully,
MRS MMA
Recruitment Unit
Personnel Division
for Permanent Secretary (Education)

(This is a computer generated form. Hence, no signature is required.)

Note: Should you decide to attend this interview, all travel and other expenses will be borne by interviewee.

Bloop bloop blooop (con'td)

Damn it...i still cant sleep. The fish poo is still swirling around.
Swirl swirl swirl and *boing* ...i hit somtin. And that somtin is Mariane. Sigh, at the rate i am thinkin about him, people must be thinking i have a crush on him. *sigh* (sorry bosy)

Yesterday i asked bosy a question which i somewhat already knew the answer. I just had to ask for the sake of asking. I asked: "Bosy, am i being very mean to mariane?"
And yes i have been. Maybe mean isnt exactly the most appropriate word to use but somehow bosy understood. She added: ".....maybe a little too judgemental lor..."
And i know i could have been. i'm biased against him and everything he does now or done before(as i looked back with hindsight bias) is certainly not going to be given a rosy color by me. Devilia has come forth in me...

But how can i not be biased against him? How do i curb myself from being o so Devilia? I cannot do this alone and i need Lord's help.

Thy cannot move these bones
if those muscles do not move
if this heart dont beat
if this mind dont open the vessels
if this nose dont breathe
if these eyes dont see
if these ears dont hear
if all that is out there cannot be experienced.

In these i pray to Thee
To empower all us to be
the wisdom to see
the sensitivity to hear
the strength to climb
the courage to be trampled upon
and the love to crumble the tallest mountain in our hearts and mind.
All in all
These blessed be,
I thank Thee.

Dorky versus Dandy

Aiii...Aiii...it is 2 minutes to 3 in the weeeee mornin and i'm having an almost long-forgotten insomnia-attack. Yes, haven't have that in ages,which is quite a good news i presume. Just ended a great brainless movie called "2 weeks notice" and now my brain seemed too deprived of thoughts. Those kind of circular thoughts that dont necessary need to have a conclusion; that just swirls around in your head like goldfish poo; sometimes boggling you (i'm imaginin goggles and bubbles, i dont know why); and sometimes it just doesnt evoke no emotions at all. The latter is just what it is now. bloop blooop blooop.....

Ok so i admit i just watched a dorky and yet "dandy"(from the movie) cliche sort of romantic love story. You know sometimes you just need a numb thing to dump you out of your numb (aka nuah sai) mind, and thus body. Chinese has a saying for this, and its called "Yu Du Gong Du"(use the poison to evict the poison).Ha ha...its sounds so corny but it actually worked! I got myself a surround system(aka earphones) and totally engrossed myself in the show, following it as dumbly as i can get. And boy i tell you, it worked. Opps i'm repeating that line.
Ya...and so it worked so well i weeped like a hopeless willow(actually i dont know if willows and weeping connect. i just made that up.)No no...of cos i didn't sob uncontrollably like i'm gasping for air. That, would be too embarassing. Nonetherless, i am shocked that i actually liked the show pretty much, even as it holds not much of a thing to remember like values, lessons, quotes or anything for that matter.I just liked the show. Just like that. *shrugs*

Actually come to think of it. Maybe the show aint that dorky. I could have liked it because it's just so purely naive and simple. And that it probably serves to remind me...that i dont have to go around looking for complicating things to ponder about, get upset about. I dont need to set up a purpose, nor do i need an "Action Day" or "End of Nuah Sai Day", just so i can gear myself to "MOVE ON".
*clap clap clap* Well done movie...you have served me well and i am thus deeply greatful for the $9.95 spent. No more guilts dude. I guess everything happens for a purpose? hahahaha.....

CooooooL Dude....Splendid. Dandy. *Sly sign with the last minute third-finger* (W)

Nuah Sai Day

I hereby officially declare today as the Nuah Sai Day. For i had not only nuahed(laze) ...but i did it the WHOLE DAY. Felt strangely disgusted and amazingly satisfied at the same time. HA HA...i am so dead.

This strange dislocation (supposed to be "disorientation") was not because i had no plans or clueless as to what my future would most probably be like, but the truest sense of laziness anyone can ever experience. Maybe it's because i'm finally a jettisoned young adult; out of the realm of mugging books; into the realm of bugging and mugging people. This strange new freedom, this apparent control over the gears of one life...is so scary.It scared me numb.
It's no longer the same nuah sai days as before, because it no longer propose a definite redemption; that when school reopens, one can redeem oneself for whatever nuah sai was done. Nor can it be rationalized as before, that what was nuahed today was the reward from before's hardwork.It's a new kind of nuah sai. A nuah sai that one pounds and moulds it out of free will.

They always say "It's ok. You should appreciate now and nuah as much as want..cos when once you land yourself a job you wont have the chance anymore."
Of course, i wont doubt what they say is untrue. I just thought...are we all so controlled by our daily hassles that our views become quite so microscopic?Live by the days, get ourselves entrenched in those daily woes, whine about it, lament about it, and then the next days we forget and continue to smile. It's good. It's of cos good that way. But are we just wearing blinders of our own that our views become quite so microscopic?
Pulling myself out and getting a bird's eye view out of all this...i realise(like always)...that hey...life can be ever so boring.(I remembered i said that to someone recently) Life can be REALLY boring.

Maybe life doesnt have a purpose. Maybe its because all people like me are just so bored they wana create a purpose, concrete or elusive. The latter would only beckon them to search for it."Purpose driven life" as one book puts it.Maybe days like today have no names to it...and i just had to name it "nuah sai day" and feel bad about it.

And i am thinking...that THAT is my coping mechanism. My way of creating concrete terms such as "procrastination", "selfish", "pessimistic", "sanguinee", "jovial" to live up to or against.Which arent all necessary except that i see them as necessary. Cos that's how i am today as an Angel-here(as wat aunty jenny calls of me..haha)...if not i think i would still be a Devil-here(devilia)..haha...
Aiya i cant concentrate on writing anymore now...talking to my fren over msn.damn. break my chain of tot and i cant multitask!

30 May 2005 948am Kochi

Waiting for the plane to take flight. got a window seat for myself and lydia is my partner for this ride. just now kevin was browsing through my journal. at first, i felt cautious and intruded but then i told myself to RELAX, and i felt better. Used to be more secretive than now but then i learn to "take it easy". "So here i am".
Maybe its a sign of maturity? haha...maybe its just showing that with true friendship comes self-disclosure? or am i making yet another obligated-rationalization becos of the title "friendship". Something like the title "girlfriend". Actually yesterday...many things happened. We went to Fort Kochi and bought pretty good stuff that (i think) originated from Kashmir. You know all those beaded bags.and embroidered tops. Then there was this particular shop in which i met ( i call) the "man-who-tried-to-sell-me-earrings". Haha..i took a picture with him. not because i have a crush on him!(actually the quiet guy beside him was quite cute) i just find the bald-earring guy AMUSING. HAha..the moment he said " i just wanto show you....its free..absolutely" I know what's he up to. He's trying to subtly entice me to buy the earrings of cos!!haha..try harder next time lah Mr...
you got me on a defensive mode even before you can show me the goods. outward flattery doesnt work on me. in fact, i think it has the opposite effect!! you are one UNLUCKY guy to have met me!
Anyway, i thought they got quite irritating after awhile. more of "pestering"
So i said:
" I wouldnt buty it even if you sell it to me for 50 rupee" ( the original price was 500)
haha...that sure got THEM off my tails.

I was wondering if i irritated those "salesmen" especially Mr Baldman. Or did i intrigued him and activated his buaya "nature".

Ok taking flight. Ciao.

30 May 2005 1202am Kochi

Saturday passed and it was a pretty good day. Although i should define it as a selfish day: spent buying books and clothes for myself. O dear, when i was in Jayalakshmi(cant spell) looking through scarfs, i thought of xiaoyee and i felt sooo guilty. why should i? and in the end i bought another top. i feel so badnow but its worse that i already knew this guilt before i bought the top. So was i equal to a uncontrolled shopaholick? Why is it that i constantly find myself entrenched in fights with puny temptations? I'm thinking....is there ant functional purpose in such hassles? Is God really enraged with me?

Was bathing just now and thinking...
would it be better for one to state their wants/needs directly or tactfully? Does tactfulness mean "beating around the bush". For instance, AJ thanking me for the toothbrushes and toothpastes, further adding that furture occasions as such should include soap and other hygiene products. I felt "extorted". was i being selfish? or was it again my perfectionist's expectations that's causing the vibes? I AJ being direct or indirect?
O my O my.... i am asking too many questions!
Lord, i pray for the wisdom to understand and answer these questions.

Sitting in Kochi's Luciya Hotel, the ceiling's fan pretty cooling and Lord's music in my ears. Can i just say how wonderful this feeling is? the peace of being alone in a crowd; but not feeling miserably lonely.

O i suddenly tot of Curly. May Lord protect him from chauvinism and bad ego's stubborness. And may that be the same for me. That Curly may come to embrace you truely.
And what about elmo?
Am i still angry with him?
Or just despising him still?
Wow..tonight i'm really writing alot.

I think i'm having this fear of being attracted to or attracting people in group projects such as this. I think its because of X66. Think i wrote this before becos it sounds so familiar again. wonder how is he, x66. Is he still secluded form the rest of the world? is his moat still filled with crocodiles?

OK back to present. i think i shouldnt brood over what was spent. use this guilt to control my spending power. and not to corrupt it.
Love you lord!
Goodnight mizpah.

28 May 2005 Saturday 806am Kochi

I am sitting outside Luciya Hotel waiting for the rest to settle the rooms. Was peeling my skin just now but decided to do something better like writing about skin-peeling activity. Cant imagine this but i bought a pink top & i;m wearing it now. shows my feminin nature eh? haha....

It's so warm now but i'm not missing Ooty's weather. weird huh? Huiling is a metre away watching the video again. Think she's missing Mizpah alot although not showing it. Huiling. She's one onion, like everybody else ( if she knows this fact she might not be pleased). Somehow i think she savours and takes pride in this onion camoflage; this dark side of her; this elusive her etc. But i think she's just like any other.
Actually i cant say much now. I only know her for a month!(in the truest sense)

27 May 2005

Can't belive it. I always know what to write in my journal when this book is not with me!

Anyway, to describe the origins of my one-eye cyclops condition. The good fella me tried to replace an almost dropping banner, and so unluckily got a blow from the corner of the banner right in my eye! I was wearing my specs when that happened so i guess that doubles my "unfortunate-ness".

Yesterday, last night, aunty jenny came up specially to pray for me and it was a scene i can never forget. When i was downstairs, my eye hurt so badly but the kids were so nice they took away most of the pain for me.

Gave the following things:
Nike cap to sangeyboy
Nike shoes to sangeygirl
Poker cards to Chaiten
Socks to Ghombu, sangeygirl, teresa.
O i cant remember what i gave already. The details dont matter, its the idea of my love for them.

Michael is so sweet. He was praying for us when we left with a "May God be with you"
I was quite disappointed i couldnt sing them a goodnight song in proper.

Through all this Mizpah has taught me lots and lost of things
about friendship
about my love for mizpah
about myself as a perfectionist and its detriments
about people(more people)
about the Lord
about my faith
and so many more that i couldnt even decipher
some lay hidden till sometime later when it triggers my brain to acknowledge it.
I miss those kids and jenny but i'm not crying as much cos i know i will make the effort to return. in meantime i will write back.
My chapter with Curly may have come to a close. but maybe its just a chapter. Things i would not know of now.

Remember what kevin said about God and human. The latter so finitely bound that we tend to dichotomize things such as good and evil; God and devil. But i may never know the truth cos i am finite. and they said i have matured is it true? or is it becos they grown to know me better? or both of these processes? But maturity is such a fragile thing.

Back to my eye. Argh the affected eye is hurting no more but the vision...argh..stays blur. Little worried. Hopefully i wont semi-blind/worse completely blind becos of it. Lord please protect me.

Date?

O my O my
The last two days
and something stupid came my way.
Yesterday the itchy fingers me
went to lifet the banner
And down it swung at me.

I wouldnt mind if it hit my fingers or toes
stomach or head
but my o my
Not the eye!

Now its swollen
I hardly can see
It's making me giddy
through the 1.5 vision field!

But you know what?
Out of it all
Great sweet thing happen
breakfast in bed
And flowers to "get well soon"
The former my dear friends
Bug, Joyce & kevin.
The latter the kids
touched me to tears.

And still it does

23 May 2005 (1130pm)

So it is that what is left is merely 3 days before we part again. Looking back it isnt that spellbounding is it?
What i can bring back, shall it last? What shall i choose to bring back? Of all the things shall i make a commitment to Mizpah?
"Sisters", i once called Teresa.But she isnt telling much truth is she? It's not easy Angie.It's not easy to pry into someone's life in just 3 weeks or 6 weeks. Friendship takes a lifetime. This sentence. Can i bear to apply to all and everyone?
To Curly? To be as naive as it gets; to belive one such as i can make him realise?
Dear Lord, i pray that you'll teach my poor soul and stupid mind on what to do. And courage to carry them out.

Sometimes i feel i'm not as affected by BGR as i am wih friendship. This thing called frienship is the foundation of something greater. O Lord, i am so aware how selfish i am. But i do not like it as such. Joyce said that....

(Fell asleep!! Hahaha.)

(530pm Celebration at new property)

23 May 2005 (845pm)

People sometimes turn at each other; stab them in the body; punched in the face; puked and then cry. Is this all not necessary? Once a thoroughly strong bond, broken because of the realisation that one was the piper's sound of flute.

Then i wonder,
have i turned into one of those animals.
Should i stab people
should i punch
Should i puke and then end up in tears.

Never was this easy
But we beckon it to be
I'm not the weirdos
I'm one of thee.

"To fill up my heart"

-----------------------------------

Deep in the darkness
Someone walks through the streets
frozen up in the cold
But blessed with the warmth within.

Just to let you know
What all this woes may bring
I am without the cheer.

Black christmas trees
Hood over my head
Booklight dimmed enough to share it on my own
Music covers all out
Peace grows
And i grow.

--------------------------------
(Song from the CD Alex shared with me)

Above all powers
Above all kings
Above all nature and all created things
Above all wisdoms and all the ways of man
You're here before the world begins.

Above all kingdoms
Above all thrones
Abole all wonders the world had ever known
Above all wealth and treasures of the world
There's no way to measure what you're worth.

(*Chorus)
Crucified
Lay behind a stone
You've been to die
Rejected and alone
Like a Rose Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all.

To: Annie

Count the stars in the sky
And what do they tell you
So many yet so sparse
All to bless you.

Can't you not see
What beauty and hope they carry
they beckon you to wish upon them
let it not
the darkness bind you.

My wish for you
My prayers for you
The doubts upon reflection
the frustrations and sadness
the hate for eveyrone
and even yourself
And finally the Peace upon all this
Bless you through a lifetime.

Dear Ah Nie

Dear Ah Nie,

I'm writing this to you to sincerely let you know that it is not YOU that we are directing our comments, remarks, questions etc, but the manner, the style of leadership that you may think is effective but actually not very. Actually, frankly speaking, i was pretty pissed with you at first but upon reflection.....

(Decided to end & not deliver)

22 May 2005 (649pm)

Today, right now, we are at a Chinese Hotel or Restaurant (SHINKOWS Chinese Restaurant). And at the table i'm sitting at includes companions sangeygirl, bug, Big Dolma, Akila, and Ghombu!

Sangeygirl: I dont know what to say. *giggles* I am sitting with Angieka.

Dolma: "Hello" I dont know what to say. I came to chinese hotel.

Ghombu: Angelia is a very sweet girl.

Akila: Dear angieka. you are so cute.

22 May 2005 0053(India)

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood,
but against principalities,
against powers,
against spiritual wickedness in high places." (Ephesians 6:10-12)

Friends, they can be such bare necessecities. A night of fellowship discussions, and finally today the revelation hit me. When i put them out in words, and saying them verbally, everything seems clearer. Everything seems less "evasive" (as what Joyce said i seem to be)

The past days had been pretty miserable. So bad that I cried. Went to grab a shower for my head just to escape detections of this humiliating crying. Yesterday's reflections wasnt enough to come to a satisfactory conclusion. everything still seems so evasive.
But today was different. it seems that Lord has grant me the wisdom the clarity, to understand things. What was or has been was probably because that i had treated M and J too "saintly". And in the process, i placed expectations that are too utopian. so what of they hit the children, if children are afraid of them. or that they merely seem fake or less warm to us? if i learn to see in less as saint, but more as humans just like you and i, then in this process i grow to love them more because then you realise what it means to take 2 hands to clap the loudest. That is, i have to make the effort to make the difference, to let them love me more and i love them more; to elicit the warmth from them.

For we are all sheltered by the same umbrella. Our love for Lord Jesus was elicited by the love Jesus had for us. And in this faith we built a Home for each other. Amen. =)

18 May 2005 ( 8 am India time)

People are getting sick, like the start of an epidemic. This illnesses spreads out like a raven's wing, even myself cant escape its grasp.
Giddy ( i think is because of the malaria pills). I hate this feeling e most. a head's illness is one of the worst thing to have, cos it affects everything especially your mood.

Today is sangeygirl's b'day and supposedly gona be very exciting and impressionable but i feel... lethergic. maybe its my head or maybe the doubt renewed.

O Lord if only things arent so complicationg or confusion-provoking. I want to trust MP but things are revealing and i cant just ignore it.

17 May 2005: The Forgotten Angel.

A story about Rose the Forgotten Angel.
At dinner time, Rose came to M's gate. She dont look too different from before: skinny; frail; a little dirty. she carries a sour stench and though she tries to look brave and strong, i felt that she was weak with hunger.
She blessed me and prayed for me, And i felt so sad for her, for her phlight. I want to help her but i cant.

Rose is a schizophrenic lady. She's quite "crazy" in the sense that she doesnt entail the normal social norms that surrounds. She doesnt dress properly. She doesnt bathe regularly it seems, and i think she's just too kind and simple-mided.
Rose, i respect her alot. Her insanity has made her so kind that i feel remorsed by the fact that people should detest her; could make use of her; and even beat her up. She is quite independent on her own and i wont pose much problems to anyone. If i have the means, i would take her into my own.

One very strange thing is how scared Rose was when she saw M. Why doesnt J/M want her to be seen/interacting with us? is it because she has something not wise to say to us? or am i just being too sensitive? is M really a good person? or a good person overwhelmed by wealth & prosperity? how could they ever afford that expensive looking hi-fi set?

many many questions.
The devil is not the cause of it?

16 May 2005

It is queer how things turned out today. For some moments i was so glad of the precious moments with the kids, while another time i could get so pissed that i almost forgot God's words.

Sangeyboy was so mischeviously charming today. He dropped a stubby green chilli into my bowl while i was drinking from it with a spoon. He quickly ran into the children's room right after he did that feat. So cute huh.

And there was Michael. How sweet he is. He brought flowers for me again.(sangeyboy too) There was this unique, exquisite purple flower he plucked. So sweet. I'm so glad he was the one i grew closer to this time round.

Told them ghost stories today while picking stones. And they were so attentive that i couldnt help savouring every moment of attention.

I was hanging out with sangeyboy at the play station(top deck) today (after work). Thinking back, i feel so blessed i could melt with peace and gentleness. Sangeyboy (Choikon) was so so adorable. I'm gona miss him bad this time.

Today the baby rabbits came out.

At dinner, i thought Jenny was someone jus like me: She contradicts herself much.

I thought everything was turning out better with Mariane. Then something happened when we were doing night shopping excursion, that pissed me off quite a bit. Mariane nearly lost my water bottle after i lend it to him to drink water from. I couldnt help but felt disgusted by his cavaliar attitude. It was my water bottle for goodness sake. Why is he so careless with my things after being so caught up with his TOP. Urgh.
And whats with the "trying-on" back in the home?Disgusted!

Then i was in the bathroom.somehow i remembered my Lord's words. Reminded of the grace and the niceness to be.
Even as i am bent on the discomfort inside my heart; my feelings not going in one smooth flow, i only pray for those whome i love and do not love. For the latter only in prayers, shall they be whom i love too.
Bless Mariane clarity; of virtue; truth; humility and i shall thank you ever more.

Duno when of May 2005

Very very conscious of my stupidity now. My uselessness and everything that i despise of myself. Are people really behaving condescendingly? Or am i just being too ego?

(getting cold here...going into grab some warm coverings. In the laundry balcony now.)

We often cry in the dark
Not knowing the cold
Come within me
Feeling the sense of blues
As it engulfs us.
-----------------------------

The cold is biting into my skin
But i need not.
The stars dancing in the air
And i feel sad and happy.
What is to come to all this
at the end of the day.
What bread do our guests and hosts serve
Chance like this seems so easy to promise
But people dont know

When will i get to see such
beautiful stars again.

Sleeping time.

15 May 2005 (Sunday)

Waiting for meeting to start so i decided to write something before i get too tired again later. Nice was today. Talked aplenty with Jenny today about the Lord and all. Getting to know her more =)
Would really miss Jenny again at the end of this project.

I think Michael is an extremely sweet guy. He gave me yet another hibiscus again during dinner. He also tried his best to help me finish my dinner! This trip has brought me closer to Chaiten and Mike. Chaiton is so funny. Both of them so mischevious. I'm gona miss them both.

They tried to scare me today. Chaiten came to tell me that Mike was waiting for me outside in the kitchen. I told them i'm busy washing dishes so to "hold on". And when later mike came by, i asked him again and he said "someone" was waiting for me. I went out and got frightened by Mike! And then Alex, Chaiten, Mike started playing with soot. Applying them on their faces like fake moustach effect. so funny!

Later on, some of us gathered together at the playground and i started telling them ghost stories.Haha..they look quite frightened!

Today i was peeling peas with David. Quite a sweet experience.

Aunt Jenny & i was conserving and we talked about her temper. & she said she was rather short temper person. What made me wonder was how defensive(or did i interpret wrongly) with the fact that she would never do physical infliction to any of the kids. She would do double to the inflictor. It contradicts with whatever she says about the Lord. But i'm aware that i myself is a person filled with ironies; conundrums etc
(ok my english sucks)

So time with Mariane is less tense, less "weird". REally really, i am very disappointed with this friendship. I am aware that i am the one (50% share) letting it go. Don't know why i'm so intolerant or disgusted by things he does.

I'm thinking how i used to respect him so much and how everything is reduced to so little that i do not even wish to be close with him. Am i becoming that bad?
Why? why is it that someone so close to your heart and exemplar is now so low below even yourself. And the converse happens for someone that you are disgusted with. It's sad you know.
But i learn to live by it. I do reflect in ways in which i could be the one who is very wrong but i cant put them into picture. Sometimes he's just too...selfish. What makes it worse is the "false modesty". Nevermind, Let's forget that.

People of this project, they are nice. But people of this project, they dont quite know how to love the children. To love children, you need to close up with them. Its an action of "try". If ever happens that people say that i'm being too "selfish" with the kids, i really dont wana care. cos that was not wat was intended. i dont wana jeopardise my friendship with them just becos of people of this project.
so far so good. i'm glad for the kids.


(I like this: "Be a Master of your petty annoyance and conserve your energies for the big, worthwhile things. It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out- its the grain of sand in your shoe.--- Robert Service)

14 May 2005

People... they are a bunch of funny people. For once they seem to be so ever friendly and never possible to be apart. But the next time people come together, promises and beliefs change. For Mariane, I dont even know if i should call him "brother". It seem so hypocritical now. Ironically if i were to continue the practices of the past, hypocrism could show. Beliefs dont hold. People change. Seems really quite scary huh?

Just sometimes i wonder what it means by being a loving couple. Really dont feel like its possible for many people.

No no, its not that i dont believe in love. I'm just skeptical.

Minniemouse and Potter, i finally see their mild "sour" side. But it was ok. Since they understood each other so well, they should resolve it well.

And i was downstairs just awhile ago to see Kevin massaging for Uncle. Uncle's really in pain and i can feel the ache of worries intermixed with...

Just wana keep on writing but i'm really falling asleep.

12 May 2005

Using Bug's pen now. She is hilarious!!Hahaha...
It seems like everynight(actually its only 2 nights), she'll make her own joke-of-the-night! Last night, she did an "aerobic workout" because she had to pump up her sleeping mat (mickey mouse brand). It was a constant stepping motion..so funny! And today? She lost one of her white sleeping socks and wouldnt let Joyce sleep cos she found Joyce "suspicious". She kept thinking Joyce packed it into one of her bags! Bug kept unpacking her barangs and imagine the "mess"!
Haha..In the end she didnt find it.
Bug nearly lost the beanie too!

11 May 2005

Many things happened today; so opposite were teh effects that i seem to be bipolar. Maybe it was the lack of sleep on the bus ride? probably.

Today Chaiton & Michael plucked flowers for me. First time round they gave me hibiscus & some daisies. Second round (during dinner), they gave me more flowers. The same pretty hibiscus, a tiger-looking type of flower, and one collection of striking red (my fav). I cant tell you how touched i am. To think that before that moment, i was contemplating on the purpose of this project/trip; feeling bored and rather sad that my excitement seemed to have dissipated.

Come to think of it, it seems pretty miraculous as the variety of emotions i'm experiencing. Bored, grateful, happy, detest etc. The latter becos of Curly hair. Really, i'm still willing myself, the logical mind, that

(fel asleep)


Something i saw in Mizpah. A photoframe-like thing. i can only capture the words here:

Don't Quit

When things go wrong,
as they sometimes will,
when the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
wen the funds are low,
and the debts are high,
And you want to smile,
but have to sigh,
when care is pressing down abit,
rest if you must, but dont you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns
as everyone of us sometimes learns,
and many a failure turns about,
when he might have won had he stuck it out;
Dont give up though the pace seems slow
you may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
the sliver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are
it may be near when it seems far;
so stick to the fight
when you're hardest hit,
Its when things seem worse,
that you must not quit.

10 May 2005

Taking flight now! Airplane surging fast;shaking horribly and then that weird pressure against your chest; this slight disequilibrium in the head; the irritating whine of the machine(actually more like a drone); the pressed eardrums; and then i think i'm in the air cruise now.

Just awhile ago, i met Curly's new gf.yes. It's awful fast one, almost right after his breakup with Missy. i dont know whether to feel pleased for him or to think badly of him, somehow the latter seems more like it. Yes, i called it the 7 minutes of passion. He's awful fond of that eh? O lord, please protect me form being too judgemental. For i have no rights to condemn anyone.

When Missy messaged me earlier on to wish me bon voyage. I feel sad for her. i can feel an impulse to bash Curly up but i cant. cos he didnt do anything wrong. didnt do anything wrong. And he's still my "brother", my friend with hearts not as pure as salt but maybe just gold.

7th May 2005

Two days before my flight to india. Dont know to jump for joy or to sulk in tiredness. Somehow i'm not as entusiastic as i tot i wld be.Strange, or just something common? Maybe its just like those orientation camps, you kinda "grow out of it". So that's just that?

REally grateful for the financial help my aunt and uncle gave me. Sure cleared alot of worries for me. Although sometimes i still wonder if all tat i had done was worthwhile. Would i be disappointed if the kids dont remember me? would i sulk in one corner; not eager to play with the kids as before? would there be new romances? or old ones mended? would i grow to detest some more than before? the disrespect, the disgust, the ignorance. or would i learn to forgive one? would i be writing my days to pass fast...or would i be so happy that i dont write much? what is going to happen? happy or sad?

I think the present group is much better than before. in a way, i'm more bonded with all of them. In other ways, its mere illusions.

Collective thoughts. i need a framework. A way to focus my thoughts. what can i expect and what i cant. Things that i know of; those lack of novel feelings; would they make me less passionate and loving towards the kids? But if the least expectations makes one more, it would be quite an awesome phenomenon.

Really dont want to judge against Curly but i really dont see why i cant either.Secretly joyous because he wont be joining us for the extention. And it seems now that i'm closer to bug, who is also nicer in many ways, makes things slightly more bearable?Or would Curly change then? would he still be my "brother"?

Sometimes i wonder

(fell asleep there)

(8th May 2005:
woke up to a raining weather. thought i was in india but didnt feel the "joy" or the "miss" that i use to. is this trip gona turn out bad...or boring?)

Come to my senses
The gentle wind of the wispy silence
Till it fills me a part
My bones and soul mesh into one
The presence of the fleeting shower

(drawing of the windowpane's dewdrops)