7th May 2005

Two days before my flight to india. Dont know to jump for joy or to sulk in tiredness. Somehow i'm not as entusiastic as i tot i wld be.Strange, or just something common? Maybe its just like those orientation camps, you kinda "grow out of it". So that's just that?

REally grateful for the financial help my aunt and uncle gave me. Sure cleared alot of worries for me. Although sometimes i still wonder if all tat i had done was worthwhile. Would i be disappointed if the kids dont remember me? would i sulk in one corner; not eager to play with the kids as before? would there be new romances? or old ones mended? would i grow to detest some more than before? the disrespect, the disgust, the ignorance. or would i learn to forgive one? would i be writing my days to pass fast...or would i be so happy that i dont write much? what is going to happen? happy or sad?

I think the present group is much better than before. in a way, i'm more bonded with all of them. In other ways, its mere illusions.

Collective thoughts. i need a framework. A way to focus my thoughts. what can i expect and what i cant. Things that i know of; those lack of novel feelings; would they make me less passionate and loving towards the kids? But if the least expectations makes one more, it would be quite an awesome phenomenon.

Really dont want to judge against Curly but i really dont see why i cant either.Secretly joyous because he wont be joining us for the extention. And it seems now that i'm closer to bug, who is also nicer in many ways, makes things slightly more bearable?Or would Curly change then? would he still be my "brother"?

Sometimes i wonder

(fell asleep there)

(8th May 2005:
woke up to a raining weather. thought i was in india but didnt feel the "joy" or the "miss" that i use to. is this trip gona turn out bad...or boring?)

Come to my senses
The gentle wind of the wispy silence
Till it fills me a part
My bones and soul mesh into one
The presence of the fleeting shower

(drawing of the windowpane's dewdrops)