Things that haunt are good

I told bosy there was one night i dreamt of Sister Ang callin me and had an amicable conversation before the dream diffused into somthin else. What was uncanny was the significant moment of fear and apprehension upon seeing his name blinking on the ringing phone, which den magically vanished when the conversation started. It was like nothing before had happened! I can stil vividly recall the waking moment, when all was fresh and pleasant, but suddenly drenched in confusion and shock when i remembered what i had just dreamt of. What the heck was that for! Of all things why did i dream of him?!

NO. I am not in love with him, not even a little tinge of that. Nor was i preoccupied with thoughts of him for the past days. That is, i am not as sad as before by the disappointing friendship that has gone to waste. But indeed he has left his unmistakable footprints in this insignificant life of mine. And as everytime i reflect on such stuff, i can never escape seeing those marks, smelling them, sensing the repulsion and reluctance to accept him for he was. Just as like mariane. Now who says it is only those whom we want to be together with, that we ought to accept those flaws that they have? Doesnt anybody realise that even those whom we do not wish to bang shoulders with, also have to be respected with acceptance?

It is not that i have not "move on" with these people. It is that i cant accept them, which amounts to despise and disappointments. Then, wary as i am of my rightless soul to condemn anyone, i cannot help but feel sorry for myself. For I am trained not to hate anyone nor despise people. I am trained to love everyone with "gentleness and respect". But my body is structured as such by emotions, impulses, reflexive activities and all those things that could have made myself uncontrollable. So it is not my nature to just ignore something that had been beautiful before, unless....unless....i have decided that time and selfishness shall make me erase them.That, would be the saddest thing, the ultimate sin. For that would mean i do not even deem "you" as worthy of makin me angry, confuse, depress. Cease to exist. Nothing.

"Nothing" is not acceptance. Neither is it the opposite of acceptance.It has no respect at all like that of acceptance, and is definitely not an easy lazy way out of trouble. It is more like one type of end to troubles.And it is never easy to erase anyone who had left footprints, out of one's life.

So i can rank as follow (with 1 being the best and 5 being the worst):
1) bang shoulders; accepted flaws
2) bang shoulders; unaccepted flaws
3) no shoulder-banging; unaccepted flaws
4) no shoulder-banging; accepted flaws
5) GONE

So i guess that i can be at least glad that mariane is at number 3, while sister ang is tredging dangerously between 3 and 4. Which is to say that they still exist to haunt me, teach me, remind me, whatever. As i have chosen before, that as a true friend, i do not just discard mariane jus becos he is "bad". I still remains his listenin ear if he wants to. I shall be the laid back friend haha...reluctant to meet but MAY still...
And as for sister ang. I have accepted his flaws and i do not wish to bang shoulders with him whatsoever (i am ashamed).

Never has anyone been in number 5. Not that i can remember haha...cos if i do den number 5 is falsified. But i remember i made tis prayer and i wish to repeat it again...
"Even as i am bent on the discomfort inside my heart; my feelings not going in one smooth flow, i only pray for those whome i love and do not love. For the latter only in prayers, shall they be whom i love too.
Bless Mariane clarity; of virtue; truth; humility and i shall thank you ever more."

For i am human and may God forgive me. As i am reminded to repent, shall i repent beyond thy pride.
Amen.