30 May 2005 1202am Kochi

Saturday passed and it was a pretty good day. Although i should define it as a selfish day: spent buying books and clothes for myself. O dear, when i was in Jayalakshmi(cant spell) looking through scarfs, i thought of xiaoyee and i felt sooo guilty. why should i? and in the end i bought another top. i feel so badnow but its worse that i already knew this guilt before i bought the top. So was i equal to a uncontrolled shopaholick? Why is it that i constantly find myself entrenched in fights with puny temptations? I'm thinking....is there ant functional purpose in such hassles? Is God really enraged with me?

Was bathing just now and thinking...
would it be better for one to state their wants/needs directly or tactfully? Does tactfulness mean "beating around the bush". For instance, AJ thanking me for the toothbrushes and toothpastes, further adding that furture occasions as such should include soap and other hygiene products. I felt "extorted". was i being selfish? or was it again my perfectionist's expectations that's causing the vibes? I AJ being direct or indirect?
O my O my.... i am asking too many questions!
Lord, i pray for the wisdom to understand and answer these questions.

Sitting in Kochi's Luciya Hotel, the ceiling's fan pretty cooling and Lord's music in my ears. Can i just say how wonderful this feeling is? the peace of being alone in a crowd; but not feeling miserably lonely.

O i suddenly tot of Curly. May Lord protect him from chauvinism and bad ego's stubborness. And may that be the same for me. That Curly may come to embrace you truely.
And what about elmo?
Am i still angry with him?
Or just despising him still?
Wow..tonight i'm really writing alot.

I think i'm having this fear of being attracted to or attracting people in group projects such as this. I think its because of X66. Think i wrote this before becos it sounds so familiar again. wonder how is he, x66. Is he still secluded form the rest of the world? is his moat still filled with crocodiles?

OK back to present. i think i shouldnt brood over what was spent. use this guilt to control my spending power. and not to corrupt it.
Love you lord!
Goodnight mizpah.