i dont have a mind capable of stunning the world but i have a mind that is capable of sadness. i cant imagine how i can imagine myself to be capable of getting what i wanted in the first place. it is so sad to realise that what you really need is not that is within your reach, so you have to keep praying and hoping, and wishing and believing. but this is all too painful because everytime u reach a stage in which u think better of yourself, someone puts you down. Of cos, what they did wasnt intentional but the power they exert is like a self reflecting mirror that spirals you down into thy glooms; that you start finding it hard to focus and believe in yourself anymore.

i'm a very jealous person by nature and it can be hard to tame that wild beast. But the lucky thing is, it doesnt manifest itself chidishly or destructively. It is like the chakra that kyubi has, but is channeled out to save naruto,or for naruto to save others( damn it, i watch too much naruto). It is the mind that controls this monster in me, and knowledge allows me so. That's why i love the bible. because its like this seal performed to imprison this monster in me and teaches me exploit the monster's whatever. It's presence is destroying me, but it verifies my existence. Many people are like that i guess.

I'm also a first-rate attention-seeker. Depending on how you see it, attention-seeking can be bad.And i think it is. Because i am ruled by absolute humility, i cannot envision one who is of self-praise, anything but an absolute selfish swine.(actually there are alot of contradictions to this) My nonsense is served to grab your attention(if its grabbed at all), and like naruto i would very much love to be acknowledged by everyone.By defeating the greater ones, an acknowledgement is set and i am pleased. but that is so selfish and i cannot imagine how anyone could think i am nice, besides the childish image that i present.

My mind is not meant to analyse things. It has too small a short-term memory for me to do that. The repository of information decays at amazing rate, that sometimes i cannot even hold a conversation properly. My mind is meant to speak out as fast as it could so that it does not lose its thought.And thats why its so messy all the time. I am crying as i say this because i know i can never meet up to my father's expectations(or the imagined ones), neither can i meet up to mine.never.
I know these words bear so much selfishness in them because i have alot of things that others dont have. there are poor victims of tsunamis but i am sitting here typing and crying because i cant live up to my expectations.Many nice words have been said to me, but they dont know that beautiful roses bears torns.Their jus fancy, not real, like those papers and papers and papers. This is all a very narcissistic thing..but i know its not depression.

It's not fit of me to be this sad. i'm not even trying to conceal my feelings anymore.i'll jus look stupid if i do.Now as i know that tomorrow( or even minutes later), i'll be fine again. Happy and joyful again. Maybe there needs to have some kind of name for such oddities.And where there is, everybody will be given that name, and then i'm not special again.

Some people think its childish to think this way. but i tell you its not. For if it is childish, i would not be happy forever. Truth is, i do get cheerful(not a facade), and because i am able to switch to this mode, it shows i am capable of meta-cognition. If you say i'm childish, i will hate you. But if you say i'm selfish, i agree with you.
And if someone says directly to me that i'm smart, i will hate that person, because i would think he/she's a liar. The best acknowledgement is one that is without the person's consciousness. It is the unsaid truth that speaks out for itself; manifestations in intuitive behaviors and speech. i dare not say how much i love direct praises, but when reflected upon, they seem superficial. i am a difficult person i must say.

ok..i should get going on my marketing proposal now...damn this ...

Faith

Saw Harry yesterday at van's birthday party and i thought he looks alot more charming.I always thought he is somebody really sweet,generous and quite a gentleman too. But everybody is nice, and they can be nice if they can afford to. There are few that would be nice even if they are in wretched conditions themselves.True generosity shines in those who can be giving even when they cannot. I tried to live by that utopian value, but ideals dont live long because reality often gets the triumph.
I guess thats where faith comes in.Because it does not live by evidences and not at all proportionate to amount of efforts put into ideals. It is an utopian value and requires one to believe even when one cannot. Belief is an act of giving and it is both difficult and easy to master. However, belief is not like blind faith, in any case, it is the opposite of it.Because belief is a manifestation of true generosity, it is empowered by the presence of failures,despair,helplessness,disappointment,stress,sadness and regrets. Without these wretched conditions, faith cannot exist. When faith cannot exist, God cannot exist.
Faith is not for the weak hearted and narrow-minded.For it feeds on strength, that if we believe, comes from God.And if one is narrow-minded, one cannot see beyond the vision that is presented before them. They always say God has a path planned for each one of us, but if He gives one the power of free will, how does he plan so? The power of free will seemed like a ridicule against God's planned path. So many times we see ourselves in a difficult decision-making juncture, in which, both paths entails pros and cons.And if we still believe there is one planned path, we have only the future to verify this. We cant say that "ëverything happens for a purpose" unless we have reached the purpose and relect on its precedence.There is no way to falsify this belief of one-planned-path, and it is subjected to hindsight bias(that no matter how bad things are,almost anything can be rationalized as "happening for a good reason").
This vision needs a little amendment.I happened to think that God has planned for us many paths, like that of parallel universes. Every path has its reason, and each path has no way to verify its purpose unless it is reached and reflected upon. And only God can transcend all the dimensions, all the paths, to understand and vouch for their validity. For He is the Creator and El-Shaddai. We mere beings of neurotic transactions may not comprehend the purpose of life, or lives, and that's where Faith comes in. Where "...faith is being sureof what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.." and "By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible."

Amen.

Chinatown and Mr Pan.

Met up with dear lydia and limin yesterday and guess where we went to celebrate christmas??? Chinatown!
ok frankly speakin we din celebrate christmas, it was jus a comment i got from Howard(met him at this traffic junction)

And...that was the introduction to this entry.very interesting but nonetherless boring. Just like what i'm gona talk about next. Lydia and limin calls him vinvin but i think thats utterly horrid cos it sounds too "Green Mee".urgh..givin me the goose pimples now.i dun mean to be rude but i'd jus like to call him plain old Mr Panasonic(pan for short)
And........i was relating my "thing" with mr pan and how childishly he has been behaving, and how i try to "understand" his predicament...bla bla bla...

And....that was the sub-introduction of this entry.i'd probably fail an essay assignment if i write like that. o sigh.
ok the main part is, so coincidentally, i received an email from mr pan!(after that long vanishin act of his..wow..must be some improvement). It wasnt much of a hey-pleasae-forgive-me or you-bitch-you-stoled-my-heart kind of letter, but more like a..i-dont-noe-why-i-wrote-all-this-but-i-jus-wana-return-you-all-your-stuff(like a man...*rolls eyes*). HA..sounds like i jus ended a relationship? Look carefuly at the next four words-- SINGLE AND UNAVAILABLE ALWAYS. Ok I admit I’m being mean here because I know I ought to sympathise and understand and I shouldnt get irritated at the fact that it seems like he’s tryin too much to act pitiful?! Ok yup, I’m definitely being mean.

O sigh. People like to think that they KNOW me; wat kind of music I like; wat kind of genre I belong; wat I like to do best when I’m bored; and how many times I fart a day. The worst part is when they start behaving like a watchdog, controlling me and telling whats best for me.(I told u I AM an adolescent). Let me give you a question that I hate a lot because its damn tough—what do you usually do during your free time?

There are many answers but all of them would reflect how boring you are, no matter how exciting the days were for you. ( I shall only give 3 examples)

Answer1: I stay at home and watch TV or read some books.
Analysis: Not much to analyse. The words speak for themselves about how boring they are.

Answer2: I windsurf a lot. I love this sport a lot because it keeps me healthy and its amazingly exciting. I hope to come in first in the next Windsurf Championship 2005.
Analysis: WOW! Sounds cool! But don’t you do anything else? ( I think its cool because its somtin different and you’re an expert at it)

Answer 3: I love to do different kind of stuff! I love sports like blading and badminton, although I’m not exactly near a pro. I also like to hang out with my friends in town, shoppin for the trendiest stuff. But I also have a serene self, that I love to sit by the fireplace and read my favourite books while enjoying my hot cocoa( I find it very hard to juggle tis two things together.interferes with my reading). I love to watch ballets too.
Analysis: Too long-winded. By the time one gets too the end, the listener would either be asleep or havin his/her mind preoccupied with something else.

So the best answer is? I figured it would be perfect to answer back with the same question posed to you.
Best Answer: I probably do exactly what you do most often. (what plain jane , tom, dick and harry would say.)
( came up with this when tiko asked me this question about five days ago)

Ok so that’s referring to the KNOW-ME part in the letter. And I haven’t got to the relationship part yet. (that’s gona be a lot LOT more)
But I’m bored…………..
And lazy……………..
So I guess I’ll jus end here and treat this as an introduction to the next entry!