The Vdei silent retreat starts tomorrow and I'm a little afraid. I've done so much wrong over the year that I might have become too comfortable with it. "Men become accustomed to poison in degrees" says Victor Hugo (to me). I am afraid how God will rip my mind and heart apart tomorrow, and how I will be flooded with guilt and shame for what I have done and not done; for sleeping again, for all the negativity, for the sloth, for the selfishness, for the pride. I am also afraid I will be stubborn and how I may only respond to His love to a certain extent. I am afraid I will be too functional; I am afraid how I may submit to compartmentalism again. I am afraid that I will be angry with God and fall onto the ground at His feet in defeat and submission. I am afraid tomorrow will be a waste of time.
It has been pouring these days at certain hours of the day and it will continue to be like that for the next few days. I like the rain and the thunder. I love the electricity in the air when storm is near. I love the pitter patter. But I also love the sun. The blue purple orange pink yellow red sky and all its subtle blends. And that is perhaps the problem with me-- I court darkness and light at the same time, in myself and in others.
I am afraid I will have to choose between the two.
Morpheus: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.
-Matrix
