What would i do without you?

its just wonderful to hear that bug got a job..but thats not the crux of what made me happy...
basically..im just very happy that she is happy with this new finding!
things havent been that smooth lately..especially with the marketing stuff that made me live through the sucker effect. plus all the workload and what came next and next and next and next...
its simply testin my faith n strength man..feelin rather thin now(not physically of cos..i wish!!)
just the other day..on the train..i was so great jean was there to listen to all my whines..i jus regressed into a baby man. jus where the hell are you?in heaven i presume..but cant u hear what i say?maybe not...cos my intentions are not right.they all say that.

but hearing bug..seeing peniel...and rememberin them all...i'm reminded to hang on(yeah maybe thats why im kinda breathless). they gave me the impetus to continue hangin myself..a good sign? i seriously hope so.And i definitely will not cut the string because i believe i can live through that ordeal without breathin..even if i have to become blind-er by 100 degrees for each of my already goldfish eyes.i guess its worthwhile to see myself in Australia one day. or maybe in U.S. beside zimbardo? haha..sounds corny..i should stamp on my own feet now.(ouch)

Bumble Bees..they sting n die.

It all ended well with the email from uncle mohan. the kids finally received somethin from me and thats my promise--to send them the photos that i took. it really cheered me up after the long tired day, and made me wana conclude the day with a nice contented smile. all effort well spent..the muggin hours are compensated.

it was not until i had to read the next horrifying email from macroM. Traumatised by their rudeness, inconciderate, unreasonable, demanding attitudes and behavior, i felt like sending them a bouqet(shit..i cant spell it) of flowers..hidden with lotsa deadly bumble bees.scary huh. yep..i tot it was.

Then it became all so overwhelming.With the eight modules (6 authentic, 2 pseudo) that are more than enough to keep me bumming and buzzing around, the addition of this confound compounded my already helpless situation. It is certainly not a pleasant feeling to have your well overflowing with richness only to find that the wealth is not exactly what you seek.They are too demanding..they want this...and that...and even the crumbs in your pockets..but ever so reluctant to honour us with the least sense of RESPECT.May they grow warts through their stings.

For once, i may like to walk backwards..i wana taste the sense of quittin. Getting relly sick of all this sucker effect and all this wealth that i'm not quite interested in. Angry with the thought and utter regret that it once jeopardised my grades (many factors come into the play of anger too), i cannot forgive myself the chance that i had so sweetly let go. This mistakes i had blindfolded myself into..and thus...in some sense..wrongly blamed elmo along the way.
Now it seems that the little faith that i have is the faith the Lord has for me. yes..i cant even count on my own faith.

Miracles..i have to believe in them right? Santa Claus..i have to believe you'll visit me soon? even if i happened to live on e eigth floor and the only most possible substitute for your traditional chimney is the rubbish chute?My..how mean of me to let you dirty yourself with that degrading "chimney". maybe i should just stop wishing for things. Then you might have a better time, focusing on other children with proper nice little chimneys?

O wait..maybe i can make just one last wish.but this time round..u dont have to drop by my house. just help me send those bouqet of flowers will you? o..and dont forget the bumble bees too. thank you so much Santa.

Prayers

I saw her mail and my heart went along with it. The guilt that rises from the seeming empty promises that i had made earlier on. No. I had not forgotten the promise nor the reasons i had earlier but because of my current workload, i'm forced to lay it at the back of head for a moment. This may all seem like an excuse because i still feel useless. how blatantly i put it.

O Lord, please give me the strength and bless them so that they may not suffer. Do not let me forget what i fear most. Do let the fear cast its shadow on me now and then, that it may drive me through to accomplish what i had promised. I do not want to seem benevolent, i just want to help. Please let me see through all excuses that the Devilia has set against me and my promises. My promises are empty without its reasons and i'd like to show joey that there is such a thing as selfless good deeds.

Our selfish minds clouds our view
It makes us worry for more than we do
It makes us forget what we need to do
It makes us hope for what we want to do.

Water me and shine on me
Make me grow beyond that seed
Let me rise out to your reach
Bringing my flowers along with me
Let the winds and monsoons come
But keep me rooted in strong grounds
Let others break my leaves
But let my flowers be broken not
Let others climb on me
So they may too rise beyond their seeds