Analyse That

"Dharavi is not a place for the squeamish. Delhi's Juvenile Home diminished us, but Dharavi's grim landscape of urban squalor deadens and debases us. Its open drains teem with mosquitoes. Its stinking, excrement-lined communal latrines are full of rats, which makes you think less about the smell and more about protecting your backside. Mounds of filthy garbage lie on every corner, from which rag-pickers still manage to find something useful. And at times you have to suck in your breath to squeeze through its narrow, claustrophobic alleys. But for the starving residents of Dharavi, this is home.

Amidst the modern skyscrapers and neon-lit shopping complexes of Mumbai, Dharavi sits like a cancerous lump in the heart of the city. And the city refuses to recognize it. So it has outlawed it. All the houses in Dharavi are 'illegal constructions', liable to be demolished at any time. But when the residents are struggling simply to survive, they don't care. So they live in illegal houses and use illegal electricity, drink illegal water and watch illegal cable TV. They work in Dharavi's numerous illegal factories and illegal shops, and even travel illegally--without ticket--on the local trains which pass directly through the colony.

The city may have chosen to ignore the ugly growth of Dharavi, but a cancer cannot be stopped simply by being declared illegal. It still kills with its slow poison."


(Above snippet taken from the novel "Q&A" by Vikas Swarup.

I Feel Like Playing With Your Mind to Torment You.

I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things that you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
You words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

You always tell me that it's impossible
To be respected, and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

I was thinking, that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we can give it to everybody who have some faith

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

I have this theory, that if we told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
Cause anyone can start a conflict
It's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

(Song: "I'm Sensitive" by Jewel)


(I am so childish)

No. 2

Testimonial I wrote:

AH BENG!! hahha..tis stupid fella of e
niagra falls..always tink he damn suain
cool..(ok la for an ah beng he's not
bad lookin la..)..always tink his
chinese damn good but ended up ********
(i shant say wat happen hahhaha)ok
la..hes chinese not bad..consider he's
a loyal fan of AH CHENG(omg..so uncle!!)
ok tis fella..always say i out of
point..he even worse lor!!pot callin
kettle black..got to noe tis pot better
in CYBERIA2002..wa..super fun lad to
have w..shall nv forget the watergun
wars we had!!n besides e funside of
him..hes like a brother to me..took
great care of me wen i was stayin in
PGP..gave me almos all his medicine..n
not forgettin tat hunger savin instant
noodles n e save my money FOC delivery
service!!(helped me ban all my stuff
back home)hahaa..v encouragin oso..wen
u feel low n useless he will get
serious n not suan u but boost yr
morale up to a level wher u r back on
yr feet firmly on r ground again..great
fella i mus say..now he is got
charlene..i is got da sao(a crazy one i
mus say!!!!)..hahhaa..take good care of
her ah!!!or i come beat u up!!
hahhaa..ok la..i'm sure u did la..u 2 r
jus soooooooooo sweeeeeeeeeeet!!!!!!!!
wooohoo!!! wens e wedding bell??????? n
e babies?????? can i b their
stepmom????
WAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAHAHAH

The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side

Here are some excerpts from The Little Prince (Chapter 21), where the little prince meets a fox on earth. I find them all very charming.

" 'No', said the little prince. 'I'm looking for friends. what does "tame" mean?'
'It is something which is too often forgotten,' said the fox. 'It means to establish ties...'
' "To establish ties"?'
'That's right,' said the fox. 'To me, you are still just a little boy like a hundred thousand other little boys. and i have no need of you. and you have no need of me, either. to you, i'm just a fox like hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, we shall need one another. To me, you will be unique. And i shall be unique to you.'
'I'm beginning to understand', said the little prince. 'There is a flower...I think she has tamed me...' "


" 'Nowhere is perfect,' sighed the fox. Presently, he returned to this theme. 'My life is monotonous. I hunt chickens and men hunt me. All chickens are alike and all men are alike. So i get a little bored. But if you tame me, my life will be full of sunshine. i shall recognise the sound of a step different from all others. The other steps send my hurrying underground. Yours will call me out of my burrow like the sound of music. And look yonder! Do you see the cornfields? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. Those cornfields dont remind me of anything. And i find that rather sad! But you have hair the colour of gold. So it will be marvellous when you have tamed me! Wheat, which is golden, will remind me of you. And I shall love the sound of the wind in the wheat....'
The fox became silent and gazed for a long time at the little prince.
'I beg of you...tame me!' he said.
'Willingly,' the little prince replied, 'but i haven't got much time. I have friends to discover and a lot of things to understand.'
'One can only understand the things one tames,' said the fox. 'Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy ready-made things in the shops. But since there are no shops where you can buy friends, men no longer have any friends. If you want a friend, tame me!'
'What should i do?' asked the little prince.
'You must be very patient, replied the fox. 'First you will sit down a little distance from me, like that, in the grass. I shall watch you out of the corner of my eye and you will say nothing. Words are a source of misunderstandings. But every day, you can sit a little closer to me...' "


" Thus it was that the little prince tamed the fox. And when the time came for his departure, the fox said:
'Oh!... i shall cry.'
'It is your own fault,' said the little prince. 'I wished you no harm but you wanted me to tame you.'
'Yes, indeed,' said the fox.
'But you are going to cry!' said the little prince.
'That is so,' said the fox.
'Then it has not helped you in any way!'
'It has helped me,' said the fox, 'because of the colour of the wheatfields.' Then he added: 'Go and have another look at the roses.And you will understand that yours is indeed unique in all the world. Then you will come back to say goodbye to me and i shall tell you a secret a gift.'

The little prince went off to look at the roses again.
'None of you is at all like my rose. As yet you are nothing,' he said to them. 'Nobody has tamed you and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when i first encountered him. He was just a fox like a hundren thousand other foxes. but i made him my friend and now he is unique in the world.'
And the roses were greatly embarrassed.
'You are beautiful but you are empty,' he continued. 'One cannot die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passer-by would believe that my very own rose looked just like you, but she is far more important than all of you because she is the one i have watered. And it is she that i have placed under a glass dome. And it is she that i have sheltered behind a screen. And it is for her that i have killed the caterpillars (except for the two or three saved to become butterflies). And it is she i have listened to complaining or boasting or sometimes remaining silent. Because she is my rose.'

And he went back to the fox.
'Goodbye,' he said.
'Goodbye,' said the fox. 'Now here is my secret. it is very simple. it is only with one's heart that one can see clearly. What is essential is invisible to the eye'
'What is essential is invisible to the eye,' the little prince repeated, so as to be sure to remember.
'It is time you lavished on your rose which makes your rose so important.'
'It is time i that i lavished on my rose...' said the little prince, so as to be sure to remember.
'Men have forgotten this basic truth,' said the fox.
'But you must not forget it. For what you have tamed, you become responsible forever. You are responsible for your rose...'
'I am responsible for my rose...' the little prince repeated, so as to be sure to remember. "








And so that was the end of that chapter. It would be even nicer if what had happened between the rose and the little prince is known. Maybe i shall include that in my next entry.
All this that was meant is so prevalent in this world...

Where people screw people
A vicious cycle born
And the world becomes a "fucked up" place
For people to cry upon.

But for those beyond their selfish pride
Shall put themselves in constant ponder
Thoughts that beget righteous actions
Shall this pandora box have its hope and wonder.

Bye Bye

To pen my thoughts down is to tell you that the chapter has closed or is closing-- my mind, my heart, my fingers, pen and everything else is moving to another chapter soon.
There is normality to experience what i am going through now, before it completely closes. And i'm not gona complain about it. Not gona let it decapitate me like it had before.

Bosy said that i am stronger than i think i am and this time i'm gona trust her.
I used to think that all such comments from anyone are just but fluke efforts to console me and they mean no shit because they are done out of formailty or the desire to get themselves out of the difficult situation of seeing me sad. Do they truly believe what they had said?
Used to want to shout out to them all that know nothing of what is going on inside me. The deep trench of tormenting pain and confusion.

But this time round, I'm gona give it a benefit of the doubt. I'm gona trust bosy and let myself grow gradually out of this shithole.

And then by then, i'd be moving on to my next chapter....

Easter and the resurrected Love

Someone once asked me before if i had ever loved any guy in my life (discounting the kinship kind) and i remembered distinctly that i had said "no".
But recently i have gained a certain understanding, a gradual ascension to recognise this other dimension of love, and of which i still need to ponder on to seek for its validity and truth.
However, in its minute sense of understanding, i realised that i have loved. A love so true that it was meant to be unconditional.It's failure was a result of incompatibilty or the others' party lack of understanding of true love. But it was love and i have loved. It was only pitiful it was not allowed to grow into its full bloom.
For i remembered, that i had willed myself so much to accept all that was disliked. But i had continued to love these people out of my inconveniences and hurt. I used to frustrate myself as to why i have liked such men as these, with fouled-up discrepancies in character and terrible tempers. Their insecurities and snobbishness, and their self-seeking behaviors such as multi-targetting have hurt me yes. But i continued to care for them and as one was so, it lasted for a year and i did not ask for more all along(although i wished silently back then it were). Until to a certain point, i had to let them go and know that it would be unwise to bug them for more. I had to let them go because i know it would be better for everyone. It always hurt but i saw no point in kickin a big fuss out of it. And so i beared the hurt and beared the normality of behaviours-- i let them go. i let time healed me. Especially so with elmo.
Some people may call this cowardice. but i tell you, sometimes it hurts more to let it go then to fight for it.
For the fighting behaviors were done so before it was let go-- a covert form of fighting that one tries to reconcile with and calm the mind.
(maybe tat is why bosy said i am stronger than i think i am?)

And when i thought no one could love (i used to call it "like") me back as deeply as i did, God sent me an angel that liked me so much that he turned into a childish knack. For his final message was like that from a child with a narrow-mind. But for all his discrepancies, he was this one man that was the nicest out of them all. Even as till now. He was the man who did most, who tried most, who in his simple deeds proved his sincerity. But i could not like him, for i had no true feelings for him. Feelings garnered from the trip could not look beyond his discrepancies, and so it withered and passed away.

O how strange these feelings come and go. How it toys with Man and makes them think they could depend on it. How fallible and strange it chooses its mates to infatuate with.

It was not until recent, that i could see past his discrepancies and care for him as a friend.I am past despising him for his character and actions. And becos of that, i felt so much the desire to say a little prayer for him. A great many thanks and a great many sorrys to go along.

And where the bible said love does not fail, it did not. For if i were to put aside my feelings (my hatred, my anger, my resentment, my likings), i know that i would continue to care for them if they were to seek me for a helping hand or listening ear, i would offer them so.

As it was said once in my "faith formation"---
"You cannot like everybody,
But you can love everybody."

Where "likes" are just a bunch of feelings
and one part of love is tat love itself is an option.
An option that does not come out easily and naturally at times.
For we often "love" only those who are nice (etc) to us but love has to go out of this circle of people. True love is self-giving and it should go beyond that.

O but how difficult it is to do that...
how enduring it can get sometimes
how against our wills it begets us to behave
how easy it is for us to be self-seeking
O how we poor meagre humans can accomplish that?
O you of weak faith.........

"My friend, haven't you caught anything?"---asked Jesus, in John 21:5.

I remember that movie....

I hate the way you talk to me,
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots,
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way your always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate the way you make me laugh,
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when your not around,
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
Not even close,
Not even a little bit,
Not even at all.

~Kat's poem from "10 Things I Hate About You"~

True Love Story

Tabi was telling me a touching story the night i bunked over at her hostel.
I didn't know how it got there but i guess it was cos we were talking abt death tat seems so nearby...

She was saying there's this lady in her church who's husband passed away sometime ago and now her dad did so too. Was sad how sometimes events in one's life unfold.

Tabi told me that the lady read an excerpt from the bible that speaks so strongly of her love and how strong she has been from the true Love that she has found. It's so amazing how she did not crumble away...although i think she might have cried terribly when she's alone.
She read an excerpt from Romans 8:35-29

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
'For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered (Psalm 44:22)'

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, angels nore demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

People in the church cried when they heard that, but she did not. She was the one who stood firm and strong
because of Love.


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And so i pray for the one who lost his wife through childbirth. That the baby be blessed with the love that the mother has left.

And i pray for the man that seems so far away. That whatever it may mean, i shall be sad but not weakened in my prayers for him.

And like all others who had hurt me in some ways or so, i pray for them. That whatever it meant, i shall be sad but not weakened in my prayers for them.

And i pray for those whom i love so dearly. That whatever may come, i shall be tired, sad or hurt, but not weakened in my prayers for them.

And i pray for myself.That Prayers be not of only requests and wants but of the need to communicate and strengthen this relationship with/of Love.

Amen.

So Freakin Abnormal...

Refer to blue Velvet Journal.
5 April 2006.
924AM.
Wednesday.
Written in pink.

Sick of Work, So I read my Diary.

15 March 2006 Wednesday

Every phase of our lives has its reason to worry, fret and feel upset about. If there weren't anything, we look for things to feel sad about. But should we be really sad for the things beyond our controls? We pray for the best and have faith that the Lord shall bless us with strength to carry through, to reach the good great light at the end of the tunnel.
And as when you feel the peace and the joy, remember that some others might not be so lucky and pray for them. And help them if you can.
But always be humble.
In all your ways, be gentle and respect what is already there.

Some may think you're ridiculous, and some may think you're childish. But what is maturity if it only brings you a narrow-mind that begets sadness and false sense of security?
Bless those who see out of this picture and chose what is the Truth, even as what was presented is a narrow door that is not easy to cross through.

You know You're my fear
I know one day You'll be coming
O please dont come so soon
I'm too afraid
Too weak to handle

Please, not so soon
I need more time
We all need more time together
He still has Switzerland to go
I need time to fulfill his dreams
Please, not so soon.

Kicking a mountain out of a molehill
I probably am
But the ball just starts rolling from here
Ain't it?