From Lord Wuss

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today to mourn the sad passing of "Big Stapler". He has given us many good months of service. never taking MC despite the numerous tough thick stapling jobs he has been put through. Never complaining even when abused by the various ungrateful users who take the good service we provide for granted. In a last act of bravery before his passing, he valiantly attempted to chew on his last stack of paper, getting stuck in the process. Alas, Jiahui's desparate efforts to resusitate him were in vain. Indeed Big Stapler's life has been a tremendous lesson to us all in servitude without reservation... Let us take a moment to reflect on how he has touched each an every set of our lecture notes, saved us from moments of embarassment when our notes drop in a scattered pile on the LT floor in front of the beautiful girl or the handsome hunk when our concentration is diverted from the charismatic sermons of our lecturers, and did not have to run all over the LT chasing after our precious scrawlings of academia sanctity..

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust

Brain Juice in my eyes

Yellow is the color of Cheddar Cheese Pretzel that i'm having.
Red is the color of the can of Nescafe coffee that im having.
Green is the hooded jacket that i'm wearing,
And brown are my sandals against my nice smelling feet.(!!!!)
Yellow is also the color of my Central Academic File.
White is the ceiling i suddenly glanced at while i poured more salty pretzels into my mouth.
Blue is the color of my pencil case, although the dirt should have made it black.
And grey is the computer i'm using now in Central Library.
Green is the trees' leaves swaying with the breeze!
Orange is the blinking msn icon of Pat's, on the the screen.
Urgent is the feeling i need to go and pee!!!!!!!!!!!!

Colors

Keyboards going click click click
No way through that speaks of peace.
Will spit or bark at anyone close
come not please to seek my embrace.

I carry the knives of the insane being
Will not see who's right or wrong
Will not see who's friend or foe
I'll just slash slash slash
The blood trickles down and makes me grin.

O Lord, O please, dont let me be this
This red and this black cannot mix with me!
Nay to these colors that tells me to murder
This black is too powerful
And red is my favourite.

Red is my vigor and red is my strength
but when red turns to blood
everything turns black.

Had a meeting yesterday w my India Troopers and it was pretty enjoyable.Mariane was hilarious man!haha..and i'd like to think that this time round, everything would be better and the bonds we create would be less complicating then the previous one.

Was on the way home with bugz, annie and zhix, when bug and i started talking about sarah and bang. It's a great pity they cant be in this team together (especially sarah).Bug was quite upset about this matter and i hope i managed to cheer her up with that message of mine.I felt quite bad too myself. But i kept thinkin about it on my way home, and i thought that there's oughta be some reason why we are chosen over the others. And since this project is not for ourselves(at least on my side), we shouldnt be so picky about who we are going with or who's not going with us, and we should live up to that reason(s) we are chosen for.This project is not the end of all things with mizpah, there'll always be another chance if we make the effort.but who's gona be the "we"?

And then there was the irritating part about cblc.Feelin myself gettin more and more disgusted with it, and the desire to flee from it. But i know i cant cos i have my responsibilities to fulfill and besides there's this thing about forgiveness and clarity. Maybe this is how i am guided towards better life management..in terms of time, emotions, patience and capabilities.Sometimes, the greatest challenge is not to forgive anyone per se, but also to understand and question thyself why we need to forgive at all. The preoocupations with forgiving someone would be a selfish act even if you forgive at all. Because in doing so, you see yourself as no rights in the wrongs but deserve all that was right. You call this forgiveness? where's the humility?
But i agree that its not easy to see one's wrongs, when one is so involved with the hurt. Hurt entails all kinds of deprivations, not just the ones that your spouse cheats on you and such stuff. That's why forgiveness is a form of grace, and grace is the truest generosity that i-duno-who-might-have. (God?) And in view of wat i had said earlier on forgiveness-selfishness, u can see tat forgiveness is a tricky business. if threaded on its wrong ends, it creates a self-delusional messiah-complex in oneself.
Nevermind all this and just go on with al that i need to do in my job's prescription. Sounds like medicine eh? That kind that you hate to take most but have no choice but to adhere to. But life is as such that we have to take some bitter medicine..only to hope that it might turn sweet later. Yeah...life isnt that bad really. Sometimes you might even catch a Big Fish!

Alright.. i'm under the Attack of The Insomnia again.This isnt a very good sign because i have an 8 am lecture about the universe,and my classmate is mariane.haha..this is gona be interesting because it's my first time having classes with him.This insomnia, must have been due to the weird concoction my dad gave me awhile ago to curb my gastric mania.
.......................................................

Moments ago, i was on my way back home and i suddenly remembered what Pat had said earlier on in our conversation.He called psychology a "forgotten science" and looks down on those who takes "higher arts" as their major in Melbourne Uni. Ok..that's not very nice of him really; and for that instant, i felt like throwing up. "Forgotten science" sounds like a nicer way to mean pack-up-your-bags-and-get-your-wasted-butts-home-to-where-its-more-useful. It's quite common to find people that have extreme perceptions and impressions of psychology: those who thinks psychology is the explanation to all human behaviours and the door to "read" and control people's minds, and those who think psychology is nothing but a bunch of bagpipes blowing smelly gases. I cant say how much i'd love to punch them in their faces, fumigate their nostrils with ammonia till they realise how much respect they ought to give psychology, and to tell them that we're not some black magic people.(wait, did i say "we"? i'm sorry, i got kinda carried away.i'm merely a psychology student now.)
Psychology involves alot of intuition, that i agree.That is why it is not like any other sciences, because you can't just prescribe a formula or Newton's Law and expect that to work forever and universally. As what Michael Kubovy(1983) once said, "Often formulating something that we all know but have not been able to put into words is a major step in its own right". And i believe that this is what psychology is about.It's like this government that tries to devise a law or policy that would suit everybody perfectly, but finds it almost impossible as every law has its loophole that falsifies its effectivity to engage order in the society. It's failures does not equate to practical extinction, success to enlightenment, stagnation to uselessness, multidimensions to a hoax. Psychology is really more than all that mind reading, but it is not everything either.It's a key to open eyes that only see one picture, the study for meaning of these pictures, so that something nonsensical like the self-mutilation tendencies and anti-social behaviours can have reasons in its own right. And it is the knowledge of good and evil, one that undermines the faith and yet strengthens it too.It's so weird to not recognise psychology, because it's everywhere and its so beautiful. Only if we are willing to appreciate and understand what power it beholds. Only if we are williing to respect the Mona Lisa as not just a woman with its flirtatious smile, but an artwork that requires eternal study to refine the understanding of its Truth.

If you have noticed, i like to skim around the surface and nothin much in depth is covered actually. That's why i doubt i can ever be a respectable psychologist. Parsimony is the essence of psychology: one dot to the other to form a line. And i am often not parsimonious enough because i am easily distracted by my imaginations of what is beyond. I also recognise that my language is my barrier to be parsimonious, that i cant express myself well enough is my greatest deficit. It is quite obvious now as to what my new year resolution should be.
I dont think i can write anymore...i'm getting rusty..my eyes blinkin at 10 bats per minute..my fingers dun belong to me...amnesic of what has happened before...it's 318am..school has started..and i'm gona drive again...

I know what a blog can do now.It can help me to improve the way i express my intuition, feeelings and random thoughts in words. It's really quite hard to do that, and i find myself writing and deleting, writing and deleting; repetitive cycles that accentuates the boredom and kills my initial want, to say somethin that i thought is worth saying. Cos i cannot write down my thoughts without applying some censorship to them, typical singaporean brought up the "right" way.I kept thinkin of the what-ifs..like what-if this so-and-so person accidently reads my blog and finds out that i had such thinkings about him, what private jokes and reprimands i have of him. Can i imagine the embrassment, or worse the animosity that would have resulted? That's why i delete them all away. It's impossible to say everything here without feeeling queasy about it.

The feeling is just so weird, because the more i say about myself, the further i feel myself drifting from the person. It's not what they always say about self-disclosure, where the bond strengthens as one shares more of oneself with the other.That, i feel, only happens if things takes its pace and develops with God's blessings. I feel myself completely strewn into this huge ocean, the more i try to gather myself together, the more i disperse.The harder i struggle, the deeper i sink, away from the my saviour.And everything would be so comfortable on the surface, but so discomforting in the abyss.
But i'm not saying that i'm this despicable hypocrite.Neither do i think that the person is being fake or snobbish.I'm just sick and tired of showing him that i'm not really that dumb(that's why i gave up along the way), and that i dun desire to disagree with his high-o-mighty opinions. I just find it kinda rude to look down on "fields" that he cant appreciate, and i find it utterly unpleasant that he is trying abit too hard to be in my goodbook's list.Sometimes, you wonder if its the more liberal culture that he experiences in Australia, or was he trying to use that as an excuse. Ok..i think maybe i'm thinking too much, and im exagerating too much on those bad vibes. SO to put things short, he needs a little potion of humility in his veins.
My friend, i got to know him at a birthday "party". Back then i was intrigued with him, cos he was quite self-entertained with his brolly-turned-golf-club toy. At first i thought he had friends with him, but then i realise he was pretty much alone, and knows no one except the birthday boy. And then i kinda pity him cos he was all alone, and the "party" wasnt exactly the most exciting place to be. So i decided to entertain him abit..like u noe..do the normal little frenly chats. His australian slang was pretty hard to catch at times, but on the whole..he was an interesting person.And so i offered to lend him my nus account so that he could surf the net for free when he drops by nus to do his phd work.He gives the same kind of weird comfort as Jared does.Haha..dont get me wrong.I'm not the least bit attracted to him or anyone as yet. I guess i need to know them more before i can judge them fairly.

Outing in town

It's quite fun shopping alone really, because when u shop alone, u get to notice all those things that would otherwise go into your blindspot if u were with someone. You get to control your vision like a digital camera that chooses its angle, magnification magnitude, and the style(black and white, brown, colourful, motion pictures or still art). It can be so interesting if you jus let your mind wonder a little. And if you let yourself add a little sound effect, a smile or two may force itself out of your mouth, or a gang of laugthers held secretly in your tummy. yeah..that sure tickles.

When you are alone, you get to be as mean as u wana be, or be sweet and docile as u wana be. Walk the way you wana, even if it mean changing from confident strides to sulky hunch-backed steps in minutes. You get to look at people and critisize them all you want, study them as if they are animals in cages, and mock them with raised eyebrow if they look exceptionally weird.Do almost anythin in private, but still remain in close proximity to the crowd. However, i have to admit that the crowd can get quite frustrating, and it sure does kick one's patience to a whole new level. I think an ant would have moved faster in the human jam, jus as those bikes that whoozes past all those helpless cars jammed on the roads.

I sheltered a stranger with my brolly today, and i felt so good that i forgot to shelter the next stranger that was waiting to cross the road. Talk about swell headed, i think mine had exploded!Actually.... i wasnt really swell-headed. I jus thought that it would be inappropriate to offer her my brolly without having her partner joinin in as well.It wasnt that i have anythin against her partner, but her partner was jus plain huge!(nah..my brolly was too small). And so i stared at her, and she stared back, and then i stared at my feet.

Sometimes i like to imagine myself out of my body, like some extraterrestrial being (mabel?haha..) watching over myself. And i would start imgaining wat it would be like if the ET-Me was Mr Pan or Elmo.What would they think, feel, behave? Would they come up to say hi?scorn at me? or hide in some corner and stalk me for the rest of my journey? I sound so self-obsessed when i say that, but i cant help it!My whole life centers around me!(Theré is a term for this in psychology, it's called the looking-glass self)

The final thing i wana say is that of my discovery.I found something in CityHall that is so beautiful and secretive, so mersmerising, i cant help falling in love with it.It is not hidden somewhere discrete, neither is it expensive or reserved for certain people. It's just there, above the escalator leading to RAffles City.The ceiling that looks like its studded with stars.And the stars changes colors if you notice carefully enough; like the different red stars, white stars and twinkling ones. Like i said earlier, it's in the lindspot of most people, and its beauty only lies in the beholder. And if one might find me alone in town, it can be quite amusing to see all those facial expressions that i morphed, and those of which, only i can remember them all.

crazy

OK..i'm gona make my last entry before everything starts rolling out of proportion; at a speeed that would terrify the shit out of my pants..wait..i mean skirt.And then things might get so uptight if i dun plan every step properly, and i might disappear from the face of this blog altogether. But there shouldnt be a worry for that cos, my blog is not entirely read by tens of people, nor is it an update of what i do n do not do.what i seek to get from this blog is a form of self therapy, a narcissistic one, and of cos...a gallery to display the arts of my nonsense.

When a piece of abstract art is presented in a gallery, it does not often invite any tom dick and harry.Most people want to see things that are pleasant, and things that mean something to them, otherwise these things are nonsensical to them. There is no wrong in this because if everybody were to understand abstract art, we need to notice the details, guess the meaning of each strokes and also to appreciate the art piece holistically. When i imgaine someone with that capability, i see someone with a head the size of a watermelon, and the top half of the melon peeled off its outer crust, leavin the brain matter thumpin like a lump of heart. and i dun wana imagine what it will look like if the whole world is filled watermelon-brained people roaming around.so scary! ok im imaginin it already..n it looks like an alien invasion!!!duhhh..........

SO, i wont be able to understan your nonsense unless i know you personally. because nonsense sometimes carry a tinge of secret, and somtimes its the secret itself. Nonsense( also known as crap) can be very therapeutic at times, and i can picture someone laughing, or at least carrying a bemused look, which is to mean that nonsense carries a good connotation.good. And if someone does not know how to play with nonsense, i see my turning-yellow christmas tree.beautiful, but wilting n droopy.And if someone tries to hard to be not funny but end up nonsensical anyway, i see my nightmare-before-christmas figures that elmo gave me. Scary and gothic, but interesting and cute.But if someone tries too hard to be crappy, i see dirt on my lens.

nonsense no 2.

To this point, i still think blogs are a stupid way of grabbing attention. It's like an alternative way to behave like a star; another way to establish an imaginary audience effect. Ok maybe to term it as "stupid" is kinda harsh, cos there are people who put blogs to good use, egs twoclowns.blogspot.com

Some people like other people to read their works without publishing a book or somtin; some people like to tell people about their life(everything); some peole like to create an image that hides certain truth and presumes to leak out certain "truths" about themselves if the reader is smart enough to detect the "clues"; some people like to vent out their frustrations and sadness, hoping that someone might lend a hand of sympathy or identify with them so they can at least have companions in the sorrows.

To me, blogs are filled with psychology. Sometimes when i read back on what has been written(not jus in blogs), i see changes in some people...(while some remains stagnant, immobile and childishly self-centered). Sometimes i get impressions of the persons through their blogs, and i react to what they want to hear or see when we meet face-to-face. Blogs tell alot not just because of what was written, but also what was not. That's why its quite pointless to read a person's blog if you dont know the author personally. By saying "author", i emphasized on the fact that everybody is the writer of their own stories. What was written may not be facts but what was contrued to be facts. And that's how illusions can sneak in.

I am an illusionary artist by nature and i believe almost everyone is so too. There is no special bloodline that limits who attains this art of nature. One needs mere observations and the desire to influence. It looks pretty simple to learn it but to master it requires knowledge of intricate necessary maneuvers and this fine art is among the most adaptable creatures. However, being capable in this skill may not be all that good , because the creator faces the risk similar as that of his/her victims. The danger comes when the illusion's blindspot has been discovered, and this revelation does not just crumble the illusion and leave its victims to lament about it; this revelation implodes unto its victims and sometimes the creator as well. Implosion, i feel, is actually scarier than explosions.

Ok, i admit, there isnt actually much of what i wrote earlier that's worth pondering. It's all an illusion that does not implode or explode because its meaningless and stupid. haha..its so dumb to see how i can write so much rubbish and it amuses me more when i know as of the start, i wasnt plannin to write much at all. Ahh..the wonders of boredom is actually quite facinating when you think about it. It can make one really sad, happy and erm...eccentric.If there is no boredom, there would be alot less blogs to exist....

people...their jus so marvellous sometimes....