The Israelites that came out of Egypt

I think i may be having a love-hate relationship with God.

Socialized this way?

hmmmm....i'm startin to feel that this blog is turning out like any other contemporary blogs...urgghhhh....

FREAK!!!!

ARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gorge out these tormentting minds
Rip them of their tongues
so they speak no more
Of these freaking pissed off scent.
O Lord please bind me!
bind me within your whips and slashes
make me FEAR You!!!!
FEAR!!!!
Bind me to these treacherous beings
make it strangle my throat to breathless gasps!!!
BIND ME!!!
FREAK!!!!!

I dont believe in KARMA.

Joviel: I dont believe in karma.

Pete: why?

Joviel: Cos the world is just not fair. You need to believe that reality is fair and just in order to believe in karma you know.

Pete: But isnt it precisely becos the reality is unfair that's why people choose to believe in karma?

Joviel: Isnt that a kind of delusion then? and not reality....

Pete: Are you implyin that your God is not real? You believe in him dont you? And he's not really there to punish the bad guys now...but was purported to occur only on judgement day. So all this is real?

Joviel: I guess so... but Pete faith in the Lord is different from Karma.

Pete: how so?

Joviel: Cos Karma says good will follow the good; bad will follow the bad. But good people still die; sometimes they hav to die first before bad people die. But the Lord did not say that good people cannot die painfully...innocently...

Joviel: Pete, i jus dont believe in Karma. i think its stupid. But Pete...i did not say that people who believe in it are stupid.

Funky Fashion

Dear Diary,

Today i did the most remarkable thing in my entire 21 plus plus years of life. I wore my t-shirt inside out, and i didnt realised it till someone whispered to me on the train!!!! Perils of the blurry mind who slept little and naturally blur...aha..
thankfully my hair was QUITE LONG to cover the label... but i mus hav looked dam funky with those "exposed" hems....heh heh...talkin about fashion statement, tis is one!

Your Truly,
Anglie

Sometimes we make weird comparisons....

This mornin i woke up pretty late aka skipped my 8am Universe lecture. Felt so horrible about myself again cos i was supposed to be more disciplined by not sleepin in my school attire!! (yep..i slept without bathin! eeW!!)
so disgusting....disgusted...like an egg that turned bad.

Then i picked up the bible to read, figurin out that since i'm so eager to learn more about God and discipline, i might as well do a little by little each day; and hopefully finishin it one day (haha). Was pickin up from where i stopped the other time; reading about Joseph to start of Exodus. Realised that Moses himself was questioning so much, and i felt like i am suddenly not alone! and not so bad afterall! And somehow i feel assured that i wont falter via this approach.

Kevin says i dont know my religion too well. haha o boy he is so right...that's one of the reasons why i always say that i'm a christian by faith. Can't say whats correctly written and whats not; alot of questions but somehow not really daring to question until i finish reading the bible. As in reading every word; knowing it inside out. Because of this i hardly ever use the bible to "preach"...even when using it as a reference, i make sure i tell my recipient that i may be wrong. O well..but sometimes i really make weird comparisons between the bible and wat i observe around me.

Getting a little irritated by this whole money-mohan thing. Sometimes i really wonder if we are drifting further and further away from the main theme of this project.And this recent "misuderstanding" (again?!!!) hmph. I once heard some people saying: "Assume makes an ass out of u and me." Wah..so true. We should all inform everybody; clarify things; and make sure what was discussed was thoroughly understood before moving on man! Stop relying on me man (everything gets so wrong when u do tat!). Was so shocked wen Ah Nie kept saying it's My request wen i all i did was remind her about the limit thing and the summary of what was discussed.

Just stop assuming.


Sorry bosy but i have to sigh now and kill a fairy. Sigh.

Counter Intuitive thoughts

O Lord.

I think You're such a screwed up fella.It has been said that You love us dearly and unconditionally, but why do You constantly put us to tests to question our love for You?
Three years ago i hated You to the core, and thought that my endless doubts in You made me Satanic.I could not not believe in You because i figured that if i could get so afraid of "ghosts" and "devils" lurking around me and inside my head, it would be illogical to put Your existence to nil. And i was too afraid that if i ceased Your existence, i would be overtaken by devils and vice. Herein lies the hatred for You and thus for myself. And that was my depression; a coping system that made me sad and almost useless.

It has been said that we should fear You; so i feared You. Just so i think You are a manipulative shit. They say You will always save us when in the deepest depth of our misery; never abandon us even if we abandon You. It's true...but only the partial. What people dont see is all e crap. Why wait for the worst state to "save" us? It's like a damn syndicate, raising the cost of shoes to bloody high prices; giving bloody gigantic discounts and expecting people to be damn grateful. It is so easy to remember and be affected by what was that in the "saved" than the part about landing in deep shit. And if we do question about the latter; we were told that it was our fault: not trusting in You and trying to control too much. All like a bloody deception. Shit.

Giving us free will and then it has been said that we should totally leave our lives in your hands; the more we meddle with it, thats where our troubles come to be."Look at yourself! You are the best testimonial for this!"---it was said. Crap crap crap...all bloody manipulative moves that i detest. When we are down, You dont just come and swoop us up into haven and joy; we make a choice in You everyday. You dont come explicitly; You just want us to live in the backdrop you have painted for us. Some of us dont just kill ourselves and sometimes due to cowardice, ego, whatever...it doesnt matter now.What i remember is that death aint the solution to misery;just living on was the choice, because there were no other options. Fullstop. What did they say You would do? What?

Harry once said that Devil is not so much as against You, but helping You. Your closest ally; a kind of "scapegoat" ally. Secretly helping us to reach You by being presented as the "bad" choice, so much so that the alternative is so horrifying you become the only choice to "salvation". People laughed at him, and i did so too. But in me i identify with him; for what he said was what i thought could be possible. why not?

Some people condem those who question You. They say that people wrote those things in bible with Faith so it cannot be wrong. But even people killed Blacks with faith; condem prostitutes with Faith; anything to question Your beauty was bad, satanic..watever. Even i was brought up to be this way, it is so internalized in me that i thought i was satanic; devil's victim. I thought so badly of myself for doubting You, readin the bible with a cynical eye, or disagreeing with wat was written. And i said to myself : " it must be the way i interpreted the bible; not knowing it well enough. i must be wrong. MUST BE." But i continued to disagree and critisize the bible, and by that, i became so miserable because i was so afraid to offend You.

I dont know who is right; dont know what is right. It doesnt matter. Thats not the point.

This is probably the most daring move; to challenge whatever is the contemporary and announcing my hatred so outrightly. I ony want to want to love You more. And i do not denounce You. I do not judge this Faith by the people who purports their support for Thy Lord's Faith.