Nice view

Today i was in the bus
I like the look of the passing views,
through the watery kaleidoscope of the window panes.....
If i could paint it down

SLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alamat..Bug is so super funny i'm glad having her as my friend man! She brighten up my day when i was bored to the toes.Both bugs are so infectious with their "weird antics", although the distinction between them being influential or me being easily influenced is not very clear. But as The Rock says: " IT DOESNT MATTER!!!!" The other day after the induction camp, sarah and i laughed like mad whenever bugz did that "SLY!!!" gesture!!haha...thank you lord for introducing such amazing people into my life.
Bless them be sure.

Bug's messages:
"Its call whispering hearts family service sentre...very gu niang name hor"

"haha got ah..theres only one male guy in my whole org excluding all the monks...see!"

"?? you mean nobody told you?okie i tell you den.me and sly are together already about a month ago please dun spread this news around we dun wana break hearts"
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O bug!!! cant you find somebody better than SLY!!!!!!!!
haha..i'm already infecting bosy with the Sly gesture.

I'M LEAVING THIS PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Arghhhhh....

So irritating so irritating
Please stop talking and whining
making noises of any sorts.
You're driving me mad
I'm impelled to crush you with a baseball bat.

Shut up shut up and stop giggling
Glue up your mouth and stick that tongue somewhere between the teeth
Any sound from you drives me berserk
Go to sleep go to sleep
if you can and i'll be very happy indeed.

I saw you saying bye to me
And i was impelled to cry
but inside.
For then as i wrote i felt so wrong
I think you do sense it.

Friends

The same plains we walk dont look the same as before
what was green to us
now seems brown to you and grey to me
What happened? When did it happen? And how did it happen?

We dont walk the same paths no more
You took the plain and i remained
our environments changed,so do we?
No more do i need you, and since when do you need me?
What came naturally is going naturally
only if it was natural to be.

Was i expecting so much
that it all seem so weird now.
Or was it just a bunch of feelings
that brought meanings to you and i.
I wonder if you noticed it
cos i do i do and i'm hoping we remain great friends.

I Hope You Dance (LeeAnn Womack)

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance,
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance..
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

Anger beseeched 2

I am aware that i complain alot about my mother and how disgusted i can feel about her. Sometimes we are so different that i wonder how on earth is she ever my mother? Occasionally i even rationalize that my apparent love for her is because i need her,not in the emotional bond or anything close, but more of the material needs. Since she's sort of the bread winner,(although i dont get any allowance from her)i need her to support that shelter over my head. In a way, i'm still very dependent of her.

Then i started questioning myself. Why do i get so angry or sad that she is spending away her money on things besides her own daughter? Why do i EXPECT that she gives me allowance in the first place? Was there ever a "natural" right of a children, to expect such things from the parents?To expect the dad to bring home the ham? And the mother to bake cookies and make honey jams? Or was it just a socially constructed "rights of children"? Why do we get so upset when all these expectations dont come out the way "it should be"?
I am remembering what happened in India when sam and mariane got quite angry over god-knows-what. Mariane told me that he wasnt that fumed up at first, but after his talked with sam, he felt he had the "right" to be angry, and he let that anger grew.Now, this issue had nothing to do with my mother. I was just so wondering if i had ever the "right" to be angry or sad in the first place? And was it because of this "bestowed right" that i let my emotions and cognitions take a downslide?

Then i remembered saying something like " my mother is a very difficult person to love" to somebody(or some people).And i wonder if i had been so influence (like any other)by the contemporary, well-knowned but unrealised, elusive "conditional love". So often we hear such phrases as "it takes two hands to clap","once bitten twice shy","absence makes the heart grows fonder", "out of sigh out of mind", which are all based on the ideology of love that is reciprocal and entails a contract of expectations. This contract of love is a mind's agreement letter signed with the cupid's(sounds like stupid) arrow when a couple(homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual) agrees to engage in doublehood.Which is to say, to give is to get.And like any other business contracts, the terms and conditions pertains to the future, and it is in both parties' intergrity and goodwill to fulfill them, otherwise.....no otherwise.Usually, the contract does not stand once flouted and it's time for a new contract partner.
However, contract love isn't as dichotomous as business contracts(infact, even business contracts involves a play of words and its ambiguous nature), the boundaries are not clearly demarcated (maybe because they cant in the first place). The terms and conditions include a certain continuum and because of this spectrum, there is what we usually call tolerance.Most people,in my view, are not as rash as they seem. They usually have a rationale behind their whatever decisions, and their rationale is their tolerance spectrum.

There is another point about this spectrum. That is, it is not quantifiable. Therefore, the usual DSM IV is a mere attempt to quantify what is not possible, to create a certain universal standard, so that there is a construction of normality. By means of saying this i do not denounce the standardization procedures, because there is a certain goodwill in it to bring order to this world, and without it we are equivalent to a robot which has to take in and process all the available stimulations presented to it.Inundated with information and we will have watermelon heads.

So my point is simply that, we are not obliged to do everything that our "contract partner" tells us to. We need not bring home the ham if we do not wish to, we do not provide the honey jam if we cant and we need not expect them to give us allowance. We can work around those concrete terms and be flexible in our spectrum. These "commandments" makes us expect things, and we try to fix a causal relation for everything, a certain black and white definition; and then where would unconditional love be? What happens if your current loved one becomes non-responsive like that of a comatose fella, or a demented one who just cant stop barking at you? would then abandon her/him because she cant reciprocate the way you expect or wanted?

Maybe that's where free will comes in, cos God doesnt want us to abide the "laws" for the sake of abiding per se, he makes us think before we do.Performance is not to capability or abilty, behaviour is not to cognition, actions not to learning, reciprocated niceness not to love and seeing not to believing." Dont buy the culture if you dont like it"----Tuesdays with Morris.

I Love my mother unconditionally. What more to say for my Daddy?

Poem that made it halfway

Far far away i see your face
Smiling or frowning my eyes cant see
I tried to run for you
With the promise of a smile you said you'd give
The faster i ran, the smaller you grew
The faster i run, i got weary like i ever knew
The moment i stop, i can almost see your smile
But never too sure
Just a glow that's faint and mysterious
Begging me to keep on walking if i cant run.

Why must i run, why must i stop?
Where should i go? what should i feel?

There is an ache in my heart that speaks of despise and irreversible regret. Where i can forgive most things (although i dont quite forget them), i cannot forgive this ache within. The heart is often a symbol of romantic love, but what has been underemphasized is the probably the love for oneself, the respect that one gives when one reflects. I'm not hidding, neither am i announcing this ache. I do not really wana tell this out to anybody but to tell this out to everybody is like telling nobody, because then nobody cares about one that is just like everybody.And this notion of privacy is not what everybody can realise, although by instinct they live by it.

Care is not the thing that i'm looking for. In fact i'm not quite sure what i'm looking for either. Sympathy somehow drives this ache and if almost any act of concern can be interpreted as sympathy, the cure for this ache is hard to find.The paradox lies in its abosolute cure. If the cure is here, traces of memories erased, then life will have no sense of coherence, no feeling, no meaning.Faith is such a hard medicine. Sometimes i wonder if its just some sort of placebo.If the Lord is so almighty, then why isnt things going the way i wanted it to be.

Then comes the question of what is THE WAY i wanted things to be? How do i know what's the best for me? And then alot more questions that are just like answers flow along like a stream. Why the weak faith? why do you not trust God in your path? Why why why. How how how. what what what. when when when. It's almost driving me mad, because it all becomes a circular argument, a merry-go-round enquiry that makes no sense. It just feeds on itself, life of its own, on and on.Never forgiving and ever regretting.