Amitofo

I need to meditate.................i need to find it..find it...find the answer to my unmet expectations!!! Cant jus use brute-force study...need to find out...need to be brave enought to be shy and learn from the bottom.

Sanguinee

The word "sanguine" has two meanings. One that is of the color red, reflecting vibrance and health, such as "a sanguine complexion" (courtesy of dictionary.com); while the other is that of an adjective equivalent to "cheerful", "optimistic" and "confident".
And then there is the medieval meaning.Y dun i jus copy it down here (from dictionary.com)

Word History: The similarity in form between sanguine, “cheerfully optimistic,” and sanguinary, “bloodthirsty,” may prompt one to wonder how they have come to have such different meanings. The explanation lies in medieval physiology with its notion of the four humors or bodily fluids (blood, bile, phlegm, and black bile). The relative proportions of these fluids was thought to determine a person's temperament. If blood was the predominant humor, one had a ruddy face and a disposition marked by courage, hope, and a readiness to fall in love. Such a temperament was called sanguine, the Middle English ancestor of our word sanguine. The source of the Middle English word was Old French sanguin, itself from Latin sanguineus. Both the Old French and Latin words meant “bloody,” “blood-colored,” Old French sanguin having the sense “sanguine in temperament” as well. Latin sanguineus was in turn derived from sanguis, “blood,” just as English sanguinary is. The English adjective sanguine, first recorded in Middle English before 1350, continues to refer to the cheerfulness and optimism that accompanied a sanguine temperament but no longer has any direct reference to medieval physiology.

And when i put an extra "e" into it, i created a noun out of my own rules. "Sanguinee" becomes my ideal self. A self which is always happy, confident and is bounded by rules of the self; not buying the culture if it doesnt want to.

Yes i made my reference to an "it". why? cos it is afterall an ideal self, and thus never to be achieved. But keepin the ideal self gives me the will to live properly.Circumstances dont always allow us to "not buy the culture",and we cant live without sadness. Its a conundrum isnt it? haha...to think that i used to get so upset over this that i simply could not live properly. It's so funny now that i look at it..and love the way its so paradoxical.Labeling it as a conundrum makes it simple. Fullstop. Dont have to think so much and making it a problem.

Normalize the problem..and then...its not a problem anymore. It's a coping mechanism.

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Learn to see the flowers for what they brought
Feel the raindrops even as they do not touch
Look to the sky as what it promises
And all that perspectives seem easier to see.

Closer

Am listening to "The Blowers daugther" by Damien Rice now. Think its an awful well sung song..alot of pain in it. haha..i'm sadist.. but aren't we all are in some ways or another? Like the times wen we want to feel melancholoic and the times when we dont wana be happy? I guess there's some purpose in these counterintutive behaviours.

There's this strong desire to see what this movie holds ("CLoser").

Sometimes i dont understand why people like to think i'm the kind who gets good grades. This isnt the first time i have to "reveal" my "predicament". Is it the "image" that i present, or is it just me? Where am i getting closer to? I'm trying to put my past behind me; to make it my backdrop while i move towards what i hope would be my last hope.I dont wana keep makin up new hopes la.

I'm starting to want someone to understand me, and i'm afraid that i would cling to anyone close. But i'll never be with anyone till i can understand that person. So i dont want to keep myself guessing like i used to. Sometimes just keepin things simple is the best way to avoid troubles. Yup, i'm avoiding. but wats wrong with that if it protects me? Selfish.

Was reading through the counselling bk wee brothers lent me (o gosh im so thankful for them in a way) and it was mentioning how problems should not be treated as pathological and that normalizing problems would provide a more positive perspectives. Most problems and symptoms have their functions and thus reflect what was to us...inadequate coping mechanisms. A child misbehaving as a way to draw attention from parents, so that parental conflict be kept to its minimum; a wife wantin to be more assertive but remains submissive because thats keeps her husband closer to her. she becomes depressive from that. And a person slitting wrist might be a way to make everyone see the seriousness of the matter; an attention away from more delibitating things?
So wat does my symptoms tell of me? what does yours tell of you? what are these symptoms? Guess.

Or should i say pray?

Prayers for a few

Before i start with my essay which is due tomorrow, i cant resist sayin a few prayers for my dear "brother" mariane, and friends of mine whom i care, project of mine which i seek to love, and few grateful thanks for whatever chances was bestowed unto me; for me to repent and try again, again and again. I should try to think simple as of now, and not care about the doubts that i have. Will be as naive as i can, to bring out the sincerity i have in my prayers and thanks.

1) Seeing mariane as stress as he is; as irritated as he is with what seems like angst with free-loading people; as confused over his missy; as un-mariane as he is; i'm worried for him and i pray for him. Strength be with him and clarity in him. Please dont let his studies be jeopardised.Seeing mariane in such negativity, makes me think so little of myself. How can i continue to pity myself becos of my own workload, when all others have equally or worse encounters? I hang my head in shame, and seek to work harder, trying everyday a new start, even if i kept failing day by day.

2)"i want to want to love God" (can't remember who wrote that)

I am not thinking that this project is going to turn sour becos i believe we are people of good minds and heart.Even if there are free-riders,or bad leaders,or ppl whom i dont relly like, so be it...as long as i noe some of us work together to make it good, i can smile with a fusionistic glow.I will try to organize my time properly, so i can help others free their workload too. Dear brother and all....please hang on....

3) Thank you Lord, for all that you had given me.Sometimes, things happened so naturally to save me from bad grounds, i can't think how i deserve it because i've always think i'm so unnatural. Thankful for all those who gave me my reflections. Like the Wee brothers and purplelady, mariane, bug, zhixian, joyce, kevin, bosy, and most importantly my dad. O so joyful now that my Brother Pay and i are talking again, cos i missed him so much. Now there leaves my sis and this weird "cold war".

And Angelia....please dont give up on me. I believe we'll reach somethin well in time..in timee..as we pray..

Concentric circles

Concentric circles they do not occur alone
mixing up with asynchrony
passing out with synchrony
and everything a symphony

Concentric circles subsume in the silvery movements
"Peace by the river" i remembered
And the ballet dancer
And the Flowers
And the raindrops
And all in all..........
We shall meet again concentric circles
And we'll know each other's heart to heart.

What is a Blog for?

I duno.....

See the water and then the ripples
the ripples of more than one concentric circles.
See the ripples and then the water
the silvery movements of this wonder.

How the moon shines
and i can see my face
How the ripples made me look pretty
How the ripples made you look ugly
and then we all looked like ripples
silvery movements of this wonder.

The ripples of my face haboring at your reflection
Those concentric circles bound me in yours
i'm blending into you and i cannot breathe
You disappeared and i died
All this ripples so redundant.
Its time to say goodbye but hello again we shall
as the pebbles get thrown again one by ONE.

Farted

Yep...its out. all the stinking gone but i dun tink its very smelly tis time. But then becos of my nature, i tend to eat alot of funny things. It's a little bit funny..this feeling inside. Maybe i should try the five pagoda powder more frequently. i heard po hai pills have somthin to do with lizards...some old folk's tale i think. But in any case, i cant stop my eating, so i guess i'll just take more medicines, of every kind then.
Hmmm...maybe the best way to treat this funny tummy stuff is to let it heal naturally la....
yeah man...sounds safer and more training for my tummy also.

"With gentleness and respect"

Seems like alot of ppl whom i knew in a phase of angst and animosity. I almost got myself in that contagious quiksand..quite scary.
My India project is goin through some uneasy phases because of some misunderstandings.Seems to me alot of us are tainted by bad moods and starts to interpret things in a grey-er shade. But somehow i manage to hang on God's words of "gentleness and respect" and learn not to get so angry so quickly like i used to. Even if i do fume up, i have learned to let the gas out quick but insignificantly (haha..sounds like MY JOKE. cos i fart so discretely in last year's India's project tat ppl made fun of me now. o my!)

Somehow i think everything is a blown-up issue; although an earlier detection of bad vibes is better than an explosion later.I noe mariane's not in a good psychological shape now, but i managed to calm him down (i hope), so everything should be better la. Glad that at least Bug is in the team, who is one who is not so much as trying to exert his/her own point of view...but only often trying to learn things from others and adapting to situations. This humble position of hers is what i respect her for, and also the way she cheers things up.Even as she is one who is loaded with emotions, and sometimes leads her to certain wrong decisions, her humble aspect makes her my good example of one of my core of life-- "with gentleness and respect". Her humbleness makes her easier to learn things......

WAs talking to purplelady jus now...o man...she nearly drove my nerves up the wall. tried to provide a listenin ear but in the end got stubbed in the toe. cos she's so stubborn and always thinks tt i'm accusing her. But maybe its jus cos our interpretion of words are different..and maybe she's jus too upset. And maybe i relly dun noe her well. So i musnt impose my judgement one her so quickly...cos sometimes my beliefs and views arent always right for everybody.
Even as i felt a little piss...i must learn to let that small fart out quickly.

Grace from within

I'm thinking of God
Of what it might be like to be God.
What it entails to be God
What is needed to be God.
I'm wondering if i'm God
How as the person of my body
to seek for forgiveness and granted from that plea.

I'm thinkin of God
Of what it takes not to be of God
What cannot be needed to be God
I'm wondering if i'm not God
How as the person as of now
to seek for forgiveness and granted from that plea.

I'm thinkin of God
Of how badly i want to be not of God
But with God
I'm thinkin of myself
Of how i rule this will of God's
Like my own, like God's own.
I'm thinkin of God
Of how to seek for forgiveness and granted from within me.

My Quest has started

Beginning to realise oneself as of embarking an adventurous trip is not a recent relevation, neither was it a desire or creation on its own.I have been travelling ALL MY LIFE. Tiring as it seem, it is a preference over a stagnant life.

With this commitment in the new project to India, i serve to be served unto, with myself alone being the ruler and the servant.Sounds complicating? Not really.
To be the ruler of my mind and body, i seek for self -control and the power to enlighten myself; to bring a more purposeful life to my 100 years in reign. Discipline is a constant battle with the slavery i have imposed on my kingdom, and to have complete discipline is impossible because slavery forms a consciousness of my need for discipline.But i seek to eradicate slavery, to truly undertsand the gift of free will.
Next, as a ruler, i should seek no sympathy from anyone especially myself.To have self-sympathy is to acknowledge own's weakness and inabilty to conquer the ordeals of a treacheruos voyage. The consciousness of it kills me...and then how am i going to be strong if i continue to lament about every single thing in my life? How do i stop all this? How do i continue to be strong without being obnoxious or condescending? All this...and more...i seek for answers. And that's where the servant comes in.

As a servant, i serve my master in finding relevant information. I'm like the eyes. the ears, and the nose of my master. But my master leads me, my master controls me.As a servant, i must be loyal and i must ensure that my work is done properly. I cannot procrastinate because if i do, my master will procrastinate too.I cannot rebel against my master cos if i do, i shall cease of existence. My master and i are one, and i am the kingdom of my own.

My Story

Hello my name is Ansiegel Joshinta. I'd like to tell you a little story about myself. It is a very simple story and hence i beg your pardon if you do fall asleep along your course of reading. In fact if you do wish to terminate this ordeal, you can simply click on the "X" button on the top right corner of this screen. But i doubt you'd do so cos by this moment, you would be pretty glued to what i'm goin to say next.

Yes my name is Ansiegel Joshinta. As unique as my name suggests, i do not look normal. For i have two cresent-shaped eyes that gives me a perpetual smiling face. My nose is a little crooked because i bumped into a car once. And if you might notice, i have a mole right in the cleft of my "ass-chin". To describe beyond my face...my legs are massive and my feet are small. I think i would be a delicacy in Ancient China. My arms are long and my fingers are short and stubby; the nail-part is elongated though. I know i look weird even as my entirety composes of normal body parts.

Ok i'm sorry but my story starts from here.
Today i was riding on a horse in my long white gown beside the beach. I wasn't wearing any shoe cos i didnt think i would get down to walk anyway.But as i rode on my white stallion, the sand looked so intriguing to me because it looked so black and shiny. I decided to get down and let my curiosity have a feel.
As my feet touched the ground, i realise the beach was warm to touch and not surprisingly, i liked it.I started to run and feel the contrast between the cool air on my face and the warm feeling on my feet.I couldnt stop, i dont know why. The wind started to hurt my eyes and i closed it, but remained running. In my vision, i see people waving at me as i ran. Some of them tried to shout something to me, but i was too fast to hear. I saw my dad, and he was smiling and nodding. I thought i wanted to tell him that i liked the warm feeling of the black sand, but i was too fast.
I saw my mum too, but she was exceptionally elusive, as i cant make out what she looked like, her movements, her speech.No, nothing was comprehended. I expected to see my brother and sister, but no. Maybe i was too fast. I was so fast i started to feel lonely.
Just then, i opened my eyes, stopped running, looked back and surprisingly, my horse was still there.My night gown was still clean as new despite the run. The sand was still very nicely warm and i saw my sister and brother calling at me from afar.I think i hadnt ran a far distance as i thought i had, cos the beach was filled with people and they were all starring at me. But my dad was smiling and nodding at me.My mum was waving me to her side, and i could feel their love for my weirdness.

A man put his hand on my shoulders, shoved me along his path, towards a van. He told me i must get back to where i belong and that i musnt play with people's things although they are of my favorite color --white.He grabbed my white horse and put it into a gray slingbag, assuring me that i could have it back if i behave.i hate the color gray.
He said he would have to tell God what i did today and God would tell my parents what i did today. He said they wouldnt like what i did, because i made everybody so worried. I said "ok. I'm sorry" and trudged along beside him, in my white hospital gown.

Ugly Duckling

Wanted to complain about all those bad and sad stuff i've been thinking, About things that pertain to myself, about Mizpah, about some friends, about CBLC, about people in general.Felt pretty miserable for that moment and wanted to lament here, but as i picked a slice of apple from my fridge before i settled in front of my computer, went to my balcony.

Saw the drizzle streaming down in amazingly perfect diagonal lines, and wondered why doesnt it do so in projectile motions instead. The after-bath effect was good to make me see the sky in a nice blue, not the sulky kind of blues. Then i saw the pink flowers blooming unsparingly on the trees directly below my block...and i can feel my heart melting instantly. Sometimes little things can make you very upset, but God makes it so by ensuring that minute things can make you reconcile with the peace and joy again. Simply splendid.

Learn to see the flowers for what they brought
Feel the raindrops even as they do not touch
Look to the sky as what it promises
And all that perspectives seem easier to see.