Counter Intuitive thoughts

O Lord.

I think You're such a screwed up fella.It has been said that You love us dearly and unconditionally, but why do You constantly put us to tests to question our love for You?
Three years ago i hated You to the core, and thought that my endless doubts in You made me Satanic.I could not not believe in You because i figured that if i could get so afraid of "ghosts" and "devils" lurking around me and inside my head, it would be illogical to put Your existence to nil. And i was too afraid that if i ceased Your existence, i would be overtaken by devils and vice. Herein lies the hatred for You and thus for myself. And that was my depression; a coping system that made me sad and almost useless.

It has been said that we should fear You; so i feared You. Just so i think You are a manipulative shit. They say You will always save us when in the deepest depth of our misery; never abandon us even if we abandon You. It's true...but only the partial. What people dont see is all e crap. Why wait for the worst state to "save" us? It's like a damn syndicate, raising the cost of shoes to bloody high prices; giving bloody gigantic discounts and expecting people to be damn grateful. It is so easy to remember and be affected by what was that in the "saved" than the part about landing in deep shit. And if we do question about the latter; we were told that it was our fault: not trusting in You and trying to control too much. All like a bloody deception. Shit.

Giving us free will and then it has been said that we should totally leave our lives in your hands; the more we meddle with it, thats where our troubles come to be."Look at yourself! You are the best testimonial for this!"---it was said. Crap crap crap...all bloody manipulative moves that i detest. When we are down, You dont just come and swoop us up into haven and joy; we make a choice in You everyday. You dont come explicitly; You just want us to live in the backdrop you have painted for us. Some of us dont just kill ourselves and sometimes due to cowardice, ego, whatever...it doesnt matter now.What i remember is that death aint the solution to misery;just living on was the choice, because there were no other options. Fullstop. What did they say You would do? What?

Harry once said that Devil is not so much as against You, but helping You. Your closest ally; a kind of "scapegoat" ally. Secretly helping us to reach You by being presented as the "bad" choice, so much so that the alternative is so horrifying you become the only choice to "salvation". People laughed at him, and i did so too. But in me i identify with him; for what he said was what i thought could be possible. why not?

Some people condem those who question You. They say that people wrote those things in bible with Faith so it cannot be wrong. But even people killed Blacks with faith; condem prostitutes with Faith; anything to question Your beauty was bad, satanic..watever. Even i was brought up to be this way, it is so internalized in me that i thought i was satanic; devil's victim. I thought so badly of myself for doubting You, readin the bible with a cynical eye, or disagreeing with wat was written. And i said to myself : " it must be the way i interpreted the bible; not knowing it well enough. i must be wrong. MUST BE." But i continued to disagree and critisize the bible, and by that, i became so miserable because i was so afraid to offend You.

I dont know who is right; dont know what is right. It doesnt matter. Thats not the point.

This is probably the most daring move; to challenge whatever is the contemporary and announcing my hatred so outrightly. I ony want to want to love You more. And i do not denounce You. I do not judge this Faith by the people who purports their support for Thy Lord's Faith.