Anger beseeched 2

I am aware that i complain alot about my mother and how disgusted i can feel about her. Sometimes we are so different that i wonder how on earth is she ever my mother? Occasionally i even rationalize that my apparent love for her is because i need her,not in the emotional bond or anything close, but more of the material needs. Since she's sort of the bread winner,(although i dont get any allowance from her)i need her to support that shelter over my head. In a way, i'm still very dependent of her.

Then i started questioning myself. Why do i get so angry or sad that she is spending away her money on things besides her own daughter? Why do i EXPECT that she gives me allowance in the first place? Was there ever a "natural" right of a children, to expect such things from the parents?To expect the dad to bring home the ham? And the mother to bake cookies and make honey jams? Or was it just a socially constructed "rights of children"? Why do we get so upset when all these expectations dont come out the way "it should be"?
I am remembering what happened in India when sam and mariane got quite angry over god-knows-what. Mariane told me that he wasnt that fumed up at first, but after his talked with sam, he felt he had the "right" to be angry, and he let that anger grew.Now, this issue had nothing to do with my mother. I was just so wondering if i had ever the "right" to be angry or sad in the first place? And was it because of this "bestowed right" that i let my emotions and cognitions take a downslide?

Then i remembered saying something like " my mother is a very difficult person to love" to somebody(or some people).And i wonder if i had been so influence (like any other)by the contemporary, well-knowned but unrealised, elusive "conditional love". So often we hear such phrases as "it takes two hands to clap","once bitten twice shy","absence makes the heart grows fonder", "out of sigh out of mind", which are all based on the ideology of love that is reciprocal and entails a contract of expectations. This contract of love is a mind's agreement letter signed with the cupid's(sounds like stupid) arrow when a couple(homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual) agrees to engage in doublehood.Which is to say, to give is to get.And like any other business contracts, the terms and conditions pertains to the future, and it is in both parties' intergrity and goodwill to fulfill them, otherwise.....no otherwise.Usually, the contract does not stand once flouted and it's time for a new contract partner.
However, contract love isn't as dichotomous as business contracts(infact, even business contracts involves a play of words and its ambiguous nature), the boundaries are not clearly demarcated (maybe because they cant in the first place). The terms and conditions include a certain continuum and because of this spectrum, there is what we usually call tolerance.Most people,in my view, are not as rash as they seem. They usually have a rationale behind their whatever decisions, and their rationale is their tolerance spectrum.

There is another point about this spectrum. That is, it is not quantifiable. Therefore, the usual DSM IV is a mere attempt to quantify what is not possible, to create a certain universal standard, so that there is a construction of normality. By means of saying this i do not denounce the standardization procedures, because there is a certain goodwill in it to bring order to this world, and without it we are equivalent to a robot which has to take in and process all the available stimulations presented to it.Inundated with information and we will have watermelon heads.

So my point is simply that, we are not obliged to do everything that our "contract partner" tells us to. We need not bring home the ham if we do not wish to, we do not provide the honey jam if we cant and we need not expect them to give us allowance. We can work around those concrete terms and be flexible in our spectrum. These "commandments" makes us expect things, and we try to fix a causal relation for everything, a certain black and white definition; and then where would unconditional love be? What happens if your current loved one becomes non-responsive like that of a comatose fella, or a demented one who just cant stop barking at you? would then abandon her/him because she cant reciprocate the way you expect or wanted?

Maybe that's where free will comes in, cos God doesnt want us to abide the "laws" for the sake of abiding per se, he makes us think before we do.Performance is not to capability or abilty, behaviour is not to cognition, actions not to learning, reciprocated niceness not to love and seeing not to believing." Dont buy the culture if you dont like it"----Tuesdays with Morris.

I Love my mother unconditionally. What more to say for my Daddy?