i dont have a mind capable of stunning the world but i have a mind that is capable of sadness. i cant imagine how i can imagine myself to be capable of getting what i wanted in the first place. it is so sad to realise that what you really need is not that is within your reach, so you have to keep praying and hoping, and wishing and believing. but this is all too painful because everytime u reach a stage in which u think better of yourself, someone puts you down. Of cos, what they did wasnt intentional but the power they exert is like a self reflecting mirror that spirals you down into thy glooms; that you start finding it hard to focus and believe in yourself anymore.

i'm a very jealous person by nature and it can be hard to tame that wild beast. But the lucky thing is, it doesnt manifest itself chidishly or destructively. It is like the chakra that kyubi has, but is channeled out to save naruto,or for naruto to save others( damn it, i watch too much naruto). It is the mind that controls this monster in me, and knowledge allows me so. That's why i love the bible. because its like this seal performed to imprison this monster in me and teaches me exploit the monster's whatever. It's presence is destroying me, but it verifies my existence. Many people are like that i guess.

I'm also a first-rate attention-seeker. Depending on how you see it, attention-seeking can be bad.And i think it is. Because i am ruled by absolute humility, i cannot envision one who is of self-praise, anything but an absolute selfish swine.(actually there are alot of contradictions to this) My nonsense is served to grab your attention(if its grabbed at all), and like naruto i would very much love to be acknowledged by everyone.By defeating the greater ones, an acknowledgement is set and i am pleased. but that is so selfish and i cannot imagine how anyone could think i am nice, besides the childish image that i present.

My mind is not meant to analyse things. It has too small a short-term memory for me to do that. The repository of information decays at amazing rate, that sometimes i cannot even hold a conversation properly. My mind is meant to speak out as fast as it could so that it does not lose its thought.And thats why its so messy all the time. I am crying as i say this because i know i can never meet up to my father's expectations(or the imagined ones), neither can i meet up to mine.never.
I know these words bear so much selfishness in them because i have alot of things that others dont have. there are poor victims of tsunamis but i am sitting here typing and crying because i cant live up to my expectations.Many nice words have been said to me, but they dont know that beautiful roses bears torns.Their jus fancy, not real, like those papers and papers and papers. This is all a very narcissistic thing..but i know its not depression.

It's not fit of me to be this sad. i'm not even trying to conceal my feelings anymore.i'll jus look stupid if i do.Now as i know that tomorrow( or even minutes later), i'll be fine again. Happy and joyful again. Maybe there needs to have some kind of name for such oddities.And where there is, everybody will be given that name, and then i'm not special again.

Some people think its childish to think this way. but i tell you its not. For if it is childish, i would not be happy forever. Truth is, i do get cheerful(not a facade), and because i am able to switch to this mode, it shows i am capable of meta-cognition. If you say i'm childish, i will hate you. But if you say i'm selfish, i agree with you.
And if someone says directly to me that i'm smart, i will hate that person, because i would think he/she's a liar. The best acknowledgement is one that is without the person's consciousness. It is the unsaid truth that speaks out for itself; manifestations in intuitive behaviors and speech. i dare not say how much i love direct praises, but when reflected upon, they seem superficial. i am a difficult person i must say.

ok..i should get going on my marketing proposal now...damn this ...